All getting even worse here.
I feel myself wavering. Oblivion via wine would be a relief at the moment but I am resisting as I am telling myself I would then have all this shit going on AND a hangover. And have to do a Day 1, again.
Trouble is, the level of stress here is so very high and sober treats don't have much savour in this kind of atmosphere.
Still here, still Sober Sarah though.
15/12/2016
12/12/2016
Cravings and other thoughts
Really struggling here.
Have had cravings and thoughts about drinking since a day out on Sat. Spent a lot of time talking to a good friend about addictions generally and afterwards realized I found it triggery.
Still going through a very stressful time at home. Tonight had terrible craving for cider. None in house so no idea why! Did a lot of distracting myself and used several sober treats and eventually went for a long soak in the bath then gave myself a manicure and pedicure. Nothing like wet nail varnish and a face pack to immobilize me :)
Feel overwhelmed by work stuff as well, under current family circumstances I just feel there is too much work for me to cope with. But I have to work, I am the person responsible for everything so there is no choice.
Day 85 done (if I don't count the lapse, do I? Don't I?) but despite the number of days passed I have been re listening to the first week's worth of lessons from Belle as Wolfie is shouting very loudly in my head that drinking two bottles of wine would be a fantastic idea. Fuck you Wolfie I'm not going to listen!
I recognise (before anyone comments) that lapsing and drinking a few days ago has set all this off, again.
Feeling sad probably all the stress of all the ongoing shite and some PAWS thrown in. Tomorrow is another day, thank goodness.
Have had cravings and thoughts about drinking since a day out on Sat. Spent a lot of time talking to a good friend about addictions generally and afterwards realized I found it triggery.
Still going through a very stressful time at home. Tonight had terrible craving for cider. None in house so no idea why! Did a lot of distracting myself and used several sober treats and eventually went for a long soak in the bath then gave myself a manicure and pedicure. Nothing like wet nail varnish and a face pack to immobilize me :)
Feel overwhelmed by work stuff as well, under current family circumstances I just feel there is too much work for me to cope with. But I have to work, I am the person responsible for everything so there is no choice.
Day 85 done (if I don't count the lapse, do I? Don't I?) but despite the number of days passed I have been re listening to the first week's worth of lessons from Belle as Wolfie is shouting very loudly in my head that drinking two bottles of wine would be a fantastic idea. Fuck you Wolfie I'm not going to listen!
I recognise (before anyone comments) that lapsing and drinking a few days ago has set all this off, again.
Feeling sad probably all the stress of all the ongoing shite and some PAWS thrown in. Tomorrow is another day, thank goodness.
09/12/2016
Struggling, a little
Its been very busy and very hard here. I let my sober care slip and lapsed on Day 76. But I recognized the signs of pre lapse, pulled back and used some of my
new sober tools; got back into my self care routine; cut back a bit on late
night working and went to bed to watch tv and read even if I couldn't sleep.
So, Day 82 today with sober treats,
22/11/2016
Day 65 and some helpful links
If any one is interested, these are the blogs I find really really helpful
Belle's blog
Lucy's blog
Lily's blog
Mummy was a secret drinker blog
Jackie Elliot's The Wine Bitch blog
Other sites I love
Club Soda
Sober Sassy Life
Tired of thinking about drinking
Veronica Valli
plus all the blogs over on the right of this post :)
I can recommend Headspace for calming the brain chatter and also Andrew Johnson stop drinking for, well , not drinking. You can find these as apps for Android or Apple products.
I've done lots of big chunks of sobriety before, lapsed and got straight back on it again with help of online support, Belle, Lucy, Sober Sassy Life and lots of other sober blogs.
Belle's blog
Lucy's blog
Lily's blog
Mummy was a secret drinker blog
Jackie Elliot's The Wine Bitch blog
Other sites I love
Club Soda
Sober Sassy Life
Tired of thinking about drinking
Veronica Valli
plus all the blogs over on the right of this post :)
I can recommend Headspace for calming the brain chatter and also Andrew Johnson stop drinking for, well , not drinking. You can find these as apps for Android or Apple products.
I've done lots of big chunks of sobriety before, lapsed and got straight back on it again with help of online support, Belle, Lucy, Sober Sassy Life and lots of other sober blogs.
20/11/2016
Thinking about Day 1
Now I am feeling physically, mentally and emotionally so much better I have been re examining my early days of sobriety this time around.
I'm amazed (and concerned) at how quickly I went back to wanting more than one glass once I lapsed, and also how Day 1 - 4 were just as horrible as all the other times, even though I "only" drank for an evening each time then went back on sobriety, and did not drink very much in comparison with past times.
And I had previously had long stints of sobriety! If nothing else my last lapse two months ago really finally showed me I cannot do moderation. I am not saying never ever again but for now I view alcohol as something best avoided for a good few years, at the very least.
Day 63 :)
I'm amazed (and concerned) at how quickly I went back to wanting more than one glass once I lapsed, and also how Day 1 - 4 were just as horrible as all the other times, even though I "only" drank for an evening each time then went back on sobriety, and did not drink very much in comparison with past times.
And I had previously had long stints of sobriety! If nothing else my last lapse two months ago really finally showed me I cannot do moderation. I am not saying never ever again but for now I view alcohol as something best avoided for a good few years, at the very least.
Day 63 :)
29/10/2016
Thinking about drinking?
I had a muse and this is what came out.
Why would I want to throw away all the great stuff I have learned and done in the last month or so, just in case I have miraculously learned to be normal about drinking? The last time I could moderate successfully was around 18 years ago and even before that, I always wanted more ...even if I didn't actually have any?
I have a past pattern of certainly obsessive behaviour, some times it has helped me (work, exams, getting stuff done) but other times no not so good. Also I have a history of over compensating for feeling rubbish and fake by doing "more" in my work, my hobbies, my business, my everyday life Basically I was trying to hide and make up for how broken and worthless I felt.
I now realize I'm not rubbish or damaged or broken or worthless. I had bad things done to me by bad or damaged people. I'm strong and capable and brave and talented - look how much I have achieved, despite feeling so very worthless! That's not the life of a worthless person 😀
All that time throwing wine over my brain to make myself feel less, all the addictive, obsessive stuff, trying to make me feel better and it didn't fucking work.
Sobriety makes me feel better. Not drinking alcohol, like not eating gluten or lactose, makes me feel better. Sober Treats when I am sad make me feel better (who would have guessed it ? 😀 ) Sober Treats when I am happy make me feel happier.
Listening to a Sober podcast from Belle makes me feel good. Reading a sober blog makes me feel good. Not drinking for 100 days will mean that, even after paying for the sober jump start course, I will have enough money extra to tax and insure my car for a year (but car already paid for and I'm going to spend that money on Sober Treats for me! ) And it's worth every penny, and more.
This turned into a rant. I'm not sorry 😀
Why would I want to throw away all the great stuff I have learned and done in the last month or so, just in case I have miraculously learned to be normal about drinking? The last time I could moderate successfully was around 18 years ago and even before that, I always wanted more ...even if I didn't actually have any?
I have a past pattern of certainly obsessive behaviour, some times it has helped me (work, exams, getting stuff done) but other times no not so good. Also I have a history of over compensating for feeling rubbish and fake by doing "more" in my work, my hobbies, my business, my everyday life Basically I was trying to hide and make up for how broken and worthless I felt.
I now realize I'm not rubbish or damaged or broken or worthless. I had bad things done to me by bad or damaged people. I'm strong and capable and brave and talented - look how much I have achieved, despite feeling so very worthless! That's not the life of a worthless person 😀
All that time throwing wine over my brain to make myself feel less, all the addictive, obsessive stuff, trying to make me feel better and it didn't fucking work.
Sobriety makes me feel better. Not drinking alcohol, like not eating gluten or lactose, makes me feel better. Sober Treats when I am sad make me feel better (who would have guessed it ? 😀 ) Sober Treats when I am happy make me feel happier.
Listening to a Sober podcast from Belle makes me feel good. Reading a sober blog makes me feel good. Not drinking for 100 days will mean that, even after paying for the sober jump start course, I will have enough money extra to tax and insure my car for a year (but car already paid for and I'm going to spend that money on Sober Treats for me! ) And it's worth every penny, and more.
This turned into a rant. I'm not sorry 😀
20/10/2016
Social life regained.
Socialising? I have done far MORE in the last three weeks than in the last probably six months :)
Some of that is being able to drive again (not drunk early evening, so can go out to stuff!) And a lot is just that my depression and self esteem are so much lifted I can be bothered to go out And I feel I actually am likable and worth it. I am not broken. Not broken people can go out and have a good time.
I have had lots of outings to things as my sober treats . Gigs, literary talks, book club, craft club, yoga, history walks, conferences. I'm really enjoying my sober life. I want to build up a lot of memories of how good I feel so if I get any crap voices nagging me to drunk I have lots of great new patterns to remind me what a very bad idea it would be to spoil my sobriety.
Looking forward to the next month :)
18/10/2016
One Month :)
Yes a whole month has passed and it's all so very different from the last times I stopped drinking. I know now that in the past sober times I was just "not drinking", rather than having stopped drinking.
Even though I did it for a long time, I was still the same me, still with all the baggage and depression and self loathing and feeling broken and worthless, just without the alcohol as well.
This time, having worked over the last month (with help) on how I feel and on changing how I think about myself, I actually feel so much happier already! Some of this builds on previous work I did when sober (but never quite believed was true) but mostly it's down to Belle. Her voice in my ear, her emails, reading her blog (all of it, in order ) and listening to sober podcasts.
It's not just about stopping drinking, in my opinion. Although that's good! But, unless we work on the underlying issues which made us want to drown our brains in alcohol and numb out our lives in the first place, there will be a much higher risk of lapsing back into drinking when something stressful happens.
We have to replace the poor habit with a good one (bath, meditation, fizzy water and lemon juice, cuddle a cat, buy a book etc). We have to learn good coping mechanisms to replace the maladaptive ones.
I had a dreadful weekend just gone. Really very stressful and unpleasant. My reaction was to seek comfort in a bath, meditation, nice chocolate and a cuddle with my DH. It honestly did not occur to me to drink. I was in a shop and could have bought some wine, a thought which actually only occurred to me as I drove home and then only in a "oh, yes I could have" sort of way, not a craving way. Huge progress in reshaping my neural pathways. Early days but even so, it really is progress for me.
Day 31 and I have a new necklace as my sober treat for a month :) A feather to remind me I am now flying, free of alcohol 😀
16/10/2016
What do I get from sobriety?
What do I get from sobriety?
No hangover. NO HANGOVER! That never, ever gets old :)
The feeling that I am NOT worthless, NOT broken and a valuable person in my own right.
Lifting of anxiety and depression.
The ability to get up early and get on with my jobs, tending to my chickens, growing veg, harvesting crops, preserving stuff.
The ability to get back to being the best I can be when I teach people, rather than being sub par a lot of the time
Basically, getting my whole life back.
Day 29
No hangover. NO HANGOVER! That never, ever gets old :)
The feeling that I am NOT worthless, NOT broken and a valuable person in my own right.
Lifting of anxiety and depression.
The ability to get up early and get on with my jobs, tending to my chickens, growing veg, harvesting crops, preserving stuff.
The ability to get back to being the best I can be when I teach people, rather than being sub par a lot of the time
Basically, getting my whole life back.
Day 29
14/10/2016
Signs of a lapse.
Looking back on what the warning signs for me are when I'm in the danger zone for a lapse as I need to be hyper vigilant and head one off.
I am sad to say I stop caring for myself so much when I am pre lapsing or actively drinking. I let the gaps between showers get a little longer, I wear slightly grubby clothes because I didn't bother to do a load of washing even though it needed doing,
I start to bite my nails again, I stop bothering so much with moisturizer or make up or any self grooming. It is shit and no way to treat myself. I don't get to a smelly point but my self care definitely lapses.
Because I don't love myself very much and when I drink I really don't love myself. Which is strange, because the drinking is meant to make me feel better about myself (ha ha bloody ha)
But it never, ever did make me feel better. It always always made me feel worse.
Day 26 :)
I am sad to say I stop caring for myself so much when I am pre lapsing or actively drinking. I let the gaps between showers get a little longer, I wear slightly grubby clothes because I didn't bother to do a load of washing even though it needed doing,
I start to bite my nails again, I stop bothering so much with moisturizer or make up or any self grooming. It is shit and no way to treat myself. I don't get to a smelly point but my self care definitely lapses.
Because I don't love myself very much and when I drink I really don't love myself. Which is strange, because the drinking is meant to make me feel better about myself (ha ha bloody ha)
But it never, ever did make me feel better. It always always made me feel worse.
Day 26 :)
12/10/2016
Giving yourself self care is NOT self ish.
We are trying to do something amazing and swim against the tide of "alcohol is normal".
It is NOT - it is a poison to all and for some of us, it very rapidly becomes a huge problem, whatever level we were drinking at (whether stepping off the down lift at a high or low bottom)
This last time of starting sobriety, from Day 1 onwards I basically hibernated as much as I could (family and self employed work allowing) did as little as I could (ditto) used ready meals and raided the freezers - normally we cook from scratch here with homegrown stuff but that went by the by. I did this as much as possible for the first two weeks.
That was one of the things I had not done the previous (many) times I had tried to be sober long term - this time I was determined to add other tools to my sober tool kit which already had a lot of self care in it ( blogs, on line support, my journal, exercise, meditation, etc ) But I had lapsed, again, so I heeded Belles wise words about doing it differently.
I have learned my lesson - if you lapse, do it differently next time so add something else into all the other stuff you did before.
Originally, I tried to moderate, then to just stop drinking. That had limited success (!) I have ongoing, can't really be altered stress in my life and I drank to blot it all out or to self medicate for stuff I don't want to think about.
The first time I lapsed I had a look around for sober support and joined some online groups. These were really helpful for a while. Then I lapsed.
So I added a subscription to Headspace rather than just doing meditation by myself. This worked for a while to distract me, then I lapsed.
I joined Sober Sassy Life and worked my way through 30 days. This was great and I started to examine why I drank. I was sober for 45 days, then I got stressed and I lapsed.
I then made a cosy retreat for me in the spare room so some nights when I could not sleep I could watch Amazon Prime and dvds on my laptop. I managed 35 days doing this, then I got stressed and I lapsed.
The next time I lapsed ( I went away on a holiday and there was lots of drinking going on), I worked my way through Club Soda's MOB and the 30 days of emails and exercises. This helped me to examine even more deeply why I drank, which was uncomfortable, but eventually ( you guessed it, under extreme stress) I lapsed.
The next time I lapsed, I added in more sober books and sober blogs, which I read. No good adding sober tools if you don't actually use them! But, eventually I had a period of overwhelm and high stress and really shitty things happened and, I drank to blot it all out. Didn't work though.
Finally, this time round I have added in sober treats and Belle's lessons and sober podcasts.
This time around I have basically prioritized ME over everything else, in order to get back to being the best wife and mum and friend and person I could be to everyone else again - but without the crutch of alcohol propping me up when I felt down.
I am sorry if this sounds a bit incoherent as it is hard to express in words but honestly, honestly please look after yourself first - you really do have to look after yourself before you can even begin to look after anyone else. It is the first rule of ANY survival situation - plane crash, first aid, survival stuff.
And I NEVER gave up on the idea that I could be sober, that there was something better than drowning my sorrows in wine.
Never give up. Keep on trying. It WILL work for you one day.
It is NOT - it is a poison to all and for some of us, it very rapidly becomes a huge problem, whatever level we were drinking at (whether stepping off the down lift at a high or low bottom)
This last time of starting sobriety, from Day 1 onwards I basically hibernated as much as I could (family and self employed work allowing) did as little as I could (ditto) used ready meals and raided the freezers - normally we cook from scratch here with homegrown stuff but that went by the by. I did this as much as possible for the first two weeks.
That was one of the things I had not done the previous (many) times I had tried to be sober long term - this time I was determined to add other tools to my sober tool kit which already had a lot of self care in it ( blogs, on line support, my journal, exercise, meditation, etc ) But I had lapsed, again, so I heeded Belles wise words about doing it differently.
I have learned my lesson - if you lapse, do it differently next time so add something else into all the other stuff you did before.
Originally, I tried to moderate, then to just stop drinking. That had limited success (!) I have ongoing, can't really be altered stress in my life and I drank to blot it all out or to self medicate for stuff I don't want to think about.
The first time I lapsed I had a look around for sober support and joined some online groups. These were really helpful for a while. Then I lapsed.
So I added a subscription to Headspace rather than just doing meditation by myself. This worked for a while to distract me, then I lapsed.
I joined Sober Sassy Life and worked my way through 30 days. This was great and I started to examine why I drank. I was sober for 45 days, then I got stressed and I lapsed.
I then made a cosy retreat for me in the spare room so some nights when I could not sleep I could watch Amazon Prime and dvds on my laptop. I managed 35 days doing this, then I got stressed and I lapsed.
The next time I lapsed ( I went away on a holiday and there was lots of drinking going on), I worked my way through Club Soda's MOB and the 30 days of emails and exercises. This helped me to examine even more deeply why I drank, which was uncomfortable, but eventually ( you guessed it, under extreme stress) I lapsed.
The next time I lapsed, I added in more sober books and sober blogs, which I read. No good adding sober tools if you don't actually use them! But, eventually I had a period of overwhelm and high stress and really shitty things happened and, I drank to blot it all out. Didn't work though.
Finally, this time round I have added in sober treats and Belle's lessons and sober podcasts.
This time around I have basically prioritized ME over everything else, in order to get back to being the best wife and mum and friend and person I could be to everyone else again - but without the crutch of alcohol propping me up when I felt down.
I am sorry if this sounds a bit incoherent as it is hard to express in words but honestly, honestly please look after yourself first - you really do have to look after yourself before you can even begin to look after anyone else. It is the first rule of ANY survival situation - plane crash, first aid, survival stuff.
And I NEVER gave up on the idea that I could be sober, that there was something better than drowning my sorrows in wine.
Never give up. Keep on trying. It WILL work for you one day.
11/10/2016
Thoughts of the future.
Had a rest today! A lie in, then went for a walk in the sunshine through a wood, later on a nice bath, and an early night.
Another busy work day tomorrow, in a college teaching stuff.
Enjoying the sober momentum I am beginning to build up and husband asked yesterday if I was planning to ever drink again? I said "Not for 100 days, maybe sometime I will in the future?"
I don't think I will, though. That would be just after Christmas this year. Why mess with my momentum?
Day 23 :)
08/10/2016
Things worth getting up at 5 am for
I used to wake up at 5 am for a lot of things.
To compete in my sport. To listen to bird song. To dance in the sunrise. To watch wildlife. To tend to a baby. To go on a protest march.
When I was drinking I woke up at 5 am
To have a wee. To lie in bed sweating. To wake up and feel ashamed and worried and ill and not be able to get back to sleep. To check my computer and phone and try to undo the damage of drunk social media posts.
I used to sometimes lie in bed late, because I didn't see anything worth getting out of bed for. I felt so ashamed and unhappy and couldn't see the point in getting up. I did eventually, of course, and got on with my day but I was SO unhappy.
Today I woke up at 5 am, had a cup of tea, watched the sun rise and then washed, dressed and prepared for a busy working day.
Being sober, even miserably sober, beats any "so called" pleasure of drinking, hands down. No contest.
Day 20 today :)
To compete in my sport. To listen to bird song. To dance in the sunrise. To watch wildlife. To tend to a baby. To go on a protest march.
When I was drinking I woke up at 5 am
To have a wee. To lie in bed sweating. To wake up and feel ashamed and worried and ill and not be able to get back to sleep. To check my computer and phone and try to undo the damage of drunk social media posts.
I used to sometimes lie in bed late, because I didn't see anything worth getting out of bed for. I felt so ashamed and unhappy and couldn't see the point in getting up. I did eventually, of course, and got on with my day but I was SO unhappy.
Today I woke up at 5 am, had a cup of tea, watched the sun rise and then washed, dressed and prepared for a busy working day.
Being sober, even miserably sober, beats any "so called" pleasure of drinking, hands down. No contest.
Day 20 today :)
07/10/2016
Lulls and emptiness
A lull at the moment , before the storm ( of work). I used to drink to fill a lull. I used to drink to fill the emptiness inside me. Not any more.
This week I am so busy at the moment there are no lulls. When there are some I intend to view them as an experience of sober living and embrace whatever feeling I feel, and respond as needed probably with more sober treats ;) I need to experience life as it really is without modifying my reactions by using alcohol to numb my emotions.
Tomorrow is the start of a big weekend work event. A bit nervous that it will go well, that lots of people will come, that the weather stays dry.
Watching out for wine bitch to suggest a drink would help ... Fuck you wine bitch go away I'm not biting.
This week I am so busy at the moment there are no lulls. When there are some I intend to view them as an experience of sober living and embrace whatever feeling I feel, and respond as needed probably with more sober treats ;) I need to experience life as it really is without modifying my reactions by using alcohol to numb my emotions.
Tomorrow is the start of a big weekend work event. A bit nervous that it will go well, that lots of people will come, that the weather stays dry.
Watching out for wine bitch to suggest a drink would help ... Fuck you wine bitch go away I'm not biting.
05/10/2016
Day 17 - Book festival.
Today I drove to a festival, met some good friends and listened to authors talk about their books. I had lunch in a pub and drank fizzy water and coffee. I had a fabulous time and bought lots of books which I got signed by the authors.
If I were still drinking I would not have been able to do this - I would not have got up early enough; I might still have been under the influence of alcohol so I would not have driven my car to the event; if I had been sober enough to drive I would have still worried all day about not being ok to drive and spoiled the day out for myself. I would not have had the money spare to buy the tickets or the books, because I had drunk it all. Etc, etc.
Sobriety, the gift that keeps on giving :)
If I were still drinking I would not have been able to do this - I would not have got up early enough; I might still have been under the influence of alcohol so I would not have driven my car to the event; if I had been sober enough to drive I would have still worried all day about not being ok to drive and spoiled the day out for myself. I would not have had the money spare to buy the tickets or the books, because I had drunk it all. Etc, etc.
Sobriety, the gift that keeps on giving :)
04/10/2016
Day 16 - FUW
Today I got a special gift from Belle - a Fuck You Wolfie key ring.
A talisman I can hold on to if I ever feel a desire to drink, coming over me.
Fuck you Wolfie I see you trying to sneak up on me.
A talisman I can hold on to if I ever feel a desire to drink, coming over me.
Fuck you Wolfie I see you trying to sneak up on me.
02/10/2016
Day 14 - Two weeks sober today
Today I went to a food and drink festival. It has been a glorious sunny day and the venue was packed.
I was offered lots of samples of food and drink - the food I accepted the alcohol, not. I said "no thanks I don't drink" a lot today :)
Drunk people are not fun to be around. Being a slave to wine is not fun either. I am having SO MUCH more fun now I am sober! I am so much more productive and free now I have stopped drinking.
Am I an alcoholic? Yes I think I probably was. But if I stop drinking I won't be any more. Will I be an alcoholic for ever? Who knows. As I don't plan on drinking for at least 100 days, possibly longer, does it really matter?
I have tried AA in the past and while I understand it helps many many people it really was not for me. One reason was the idea that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. We don't use such terminology for other addictions, do we. I am an ex smoker. I used to smoke and now I don't. As long as I keep on not smoking I am an ex smoker. In the same way as long as I keep on not drinking, I am an ex drinker, surely?
Two weeks sober today :) I feel great mentally and physically. Sleep is still elusive but what I do get, is refreshing.
Sober treat today - a special one of a new silver pendant and chain :)
I was offered lots of samples of food and drink - the food I accepted the alcohol, not. I said "no thanks I don't drink" a lot today :)
Drunk people are not fun to be around. Being a slave to wine is not fun either. I am having SO MUCH more fun now I am sober! I am so much more productive and free now I have stopped drinking.
Am I an alcoholic? Yes I think I probably was. But if I stop drinking I won't be any more. Will I be an alcoholic for ever? Who knows. As I don't plan on drinking for at least 100 days, possibly longer, does it really matter?
I have tried AA in the past and while I understand it helps many many people it really was not for me. One reason was the idea that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. We don't use such terminology for other addictions, do we. I am an ex smoker. I used to smoke and now I don't. As long as I keep on not smoking I am an ex smoker. In the same way as long as I keep on not drinking, I am an ex drinker, surely?
Two weeks sober today :) I feel great mentally and physically. Sleep is still elusive but what I do get, is refreshing.
Sober treat today - a special one of a new silver pendant and chain :)
01/10/2016
Day 13 - mood modification
I've been thinking. What if being kind to myself and treating myself when I feel sad is normal?
What if that is what normally adjusted people do? If they feel sad or upset, they do something to alter their sad mood and cheer themselves up like call a friend or have a nice bath or go for a swim or sit and cuddle a cat by the fire?
What if that is normal behaviour, rather than opening a bottle of fermented by product of rotting grapes, pouring it into a glass and drinking it to alter the sad mood?
That is what I have to re learn. How to alter my mood without alcohol. If I feel down I need to be kind to myself, to make myself feel better. NOT drink something that will make me feel a lot worse.
Sober treats today - a visit to a literary event. New books. The ability to drive wherever I want and not worry if I am still over the limit. I never was but I always worried ( obsessively) about this.
What if that is what normally adjusted people do? If they feel sad or upset, they do something to alter their sad mood and cheer themselves up like call a friend or have a nice bath or go for a swim or sit and cuddle a cat by the fire?
What if that is normal behaviour, rather than opening a bottle of fermented by product of rotting grapes, pouring it into a glass and drinking it to alter the sad mood?
That is what I have to re learn. How to alter my mood without alcohol. If I feel down I need to be kind to myself, to make myself feel better. NOT drink something that will make me feel a lot worse.
Sober treats today - a visit to a literary event. New books. The ability to drive wherever I want and not worry if I am still over the limit. I never was but I always worried ( obsessively) about this.
30/09/2016
Day 12 - the awful A word
Alcoholic. It's a brutal word, isn't it?
My father was an alcoholic. He died in his 60's unable to talk or walk, all his organs failing, STILL asking for a drink of whisky even on his death bed. The drink which had destroyed his physical and mental health, his marriage, his relationship with me and the rest of his family and with any person he ever was close to, which had taken all his money and sucked him dry. He died alone and lonely.
He was a "functioning" alcoholic. For many years he managed to keep a very senior job and appear sort of normal to the outside world. Living with him was hell, though and I escaped as soon as I could. He threw me out at 17 ( for doing nothing wrong, just for being there when he was angry and drunk) I left and didn't return for many years.
With the example of my father as an awful warning, why on earth did I also become so dependent on alcohol? Why did I let myself get to the point where I drank so much?
Well, to be honest I didn't actually think of a genetic aspect to drinking at the time, also I didn't actually realize I had a problem at all until a few years ago.
I grew up with a father who drank whenever he was sad, happy, angry, ill - his default position was to turn to alcohol when he experienced ANY strong emotion. So I grew up with a role model who never showed me any acceptable method of self soothing. Dad didn't go for a run or have a bath or talk when he was stressed or upset; he drank and smoked and was abusive, mainly to my Mum and after she died, mainly to me.
As a result of all this and other shit stuff I had demons of my own a plenty, and so when I felt sad or mad or lonely or upset - I used the coping tools I had learnt from Dad - I drank. An abuse survivor, I self medicated with alcohol to mask the rage and despair and deep seated unhappiness I carried within me, always.
I don't actually think Alcoholic is a useful word anyway- We have a stereotypical mental image of an alcoholic - *I* didn't sit on park benches all day, drinking from a bottle in a brown paper bag - I went to work, I did my job, I didn't have any convictions or DUI or fights or injuries ( well not major ones, anyway!) I still had my family and my house - so I must have not have been an alcoholic, must I?
Well, no, actually if drinking becomes a problem to you, then you have a drinking problem. Call it what you like, you have a problem. If how much you drink bothers you (even if it is very little!) and you find it hard to stop; if you find yourself thinking about drinking even when you are not drinking, then you have a drink problem.
I still don't think the word Alcoholic is very helpful, though - if you are NOT a stereotypical shambling smelly wreck, you will think you don't have a problem.
I was a high flying, well educated, clean, tidy, well dressed sometime drunk. I was still a drunk, though.
And now, I'm not.
My father was an alcoholic. He died in his 60's unable to talk or walk, all his organs failing, STILL asking for a drink of whisky even on his death bed. The drink which had destroyed his physical and mental health, his marriage, his relationship with me and the rest of his family and with any person he ever was close to, which had taken all his money and sucked him dry. He died alone and lonely.
He was a "functioning" alcoholic. For many years he managed to keep a very senior job and appear sort of normal to the outside world. Living with him was hell, though and I escaped as soon as I could. He threw me out at 17 ( for doing nothing wrong, just for being there when he was angry and drunk) I left and didn't return for many years.
With the example of my father as an awful warning, why on earth did I also become so dependent on alcohol? Why did I let myself get to the point where I drank so much?
Well, to be honest I didn't actually think of a genetic aspect to drinking at the time, also I didn't actually realize I had a problem at all until a few years ago.
I grew up with a father who drank whenever he was sad, happy, angry, ill - his default position was to turn to alcohol when he experienced ANY strong emotion. So I grew up with a role model who never showed me any acceptable method of self soothing. Dad didn't go for a run or have a bath or talk when he was stressed or upset; he drank and smoked and was abusive, mainly to my Mum and after she died, mainly to me.
As a result of all this and other shit stuff I had demons of my own a plenty, and so when I felt sad or mad or lonely or upset - I used the coping tools I had learnt from Dad - I drank. An abuse survivor, I self medicated with alcohol to mask the rage and despair and deep seated unhappiness I carried within me, always.
I don't actually think Alcoholic is a useful word anyway- We have a stereotypical mental image of an alcoholic - *I* didn't sit on park benches all day, drinking from a bottle in a brown paper bag - I went to work, I did my job, I didn't have any convictions or DUI or fights or injuries ( well not major ones, anyway!) I still had my family and my house - so I must have not have been an alcoholic, must I?
Well, no, actually if drinking becomes a problem to you, then you have a drinking problem. Call it what you like, you have a problem. If how much you drink bothers you (even if it is very little!) and you find it hard to stop; if you find yourself thinking about drinking even when you are not drinking, then you have a drink problem.
I still don't think the word Alcoholic is very helpful, though - if you are NOT a stereotypical shambling smelly wreck, you will think you don't have a problem.
I was a high flying, well educated, clean, tidy, well dressed sometime drunk. I was still a drunk, though.
And now, I'm not.
29/09/2016
Day 11 - busy day and a sober social outing
Woke up feeling very tired but I did have a solid 6 hours sleep despite not being able to actually fall asleep until 2 am. But a solid and refreshing 6 hours, where I did not wake up! Wonderful!
Today I had a lot of work to get through which I managed in good time. I felt irritated with a few people who were not pulling their weight, but I hope I hid it well. Everything got done and finished in time, anyway!
Later I had the first sober social event I have attended since giving up alcohol. From reading and various on line courses I have done I know that it is good to have advance plans for control or escape in place when attending a social event where there might be alcohol. So, I took an AF beer and some Fevertree tonic water with me so I knew I could have a drink of something AF. I also drove, so I could escape if I needed to.
I had a great time! I honestly did not crave a drink at all and was very happy with the evening.
First solo sober event done and dusted :)
Today I had a lot of work to get through which I managed in good time. I felt irritated with a few people who were not pulling their weight, but I hope I hid it well. Everything got done and finished in time, anyway!
Later I had the first sober social event I have attended since giving up alcohol. From reading and various on line courses I have done I know that it is good to have advance plans for control or escape in place when attending a social event where there might be alcohol. So, I took an AF beer and some Fevertree tonic water with me so I knew I could have a drink of something AF. I also drove, so I could escape if I needed to.
I had a great time! I honestly did not crave a drink at all and was very happy with the evening.
First solo sober event done and dusted :)
28/09/2016
Day 10 - feeling good
Today I woke up and I felt good :) Tired, but good. I feel optimistic and am planning ahead rather than just existing to get through another day.
I am trying to embrace my new sober life and feel good about it rather than deprived of drinking. A lot of what I am doing is retraining my brain to accept new patterns of thought.
Planning my sober treat to mark 2 weeks sobriety.
Sober treats? Prawn cocktail for lunch, a new note book ( I have filled up the one I started new on Day 1!) a magazine with an expensive aromatherapy hand cream free inside :)
I am trying to embrace my new sober life and feel good about it rather than deprived of drinking. A lot of what I am doing is retraining my brain to accept new patterns of thought.
Planning my sober treat to mark 2 weeks sobriety.
Sober treats? Prawn cocktail for lunch, a new note book ( I have filled up the one I started new on Day 1!) a magazine with an expensive aromatherapy hand cream free inside :)
27/09/2016
Day 9 - back to work
A slightly better night sleep last night and awake at 7 am. Did some sober reading and listened to various sober podcasts. I find doing this sets me up for the day, to be sober all day.
My skin looks so much better, clearer and more even. I feel calm, mentally sharper and a lot less anxious.
I am finding my days are much more productive now - I am back at work and coming up to a very busy phase with lots of workshops and seminars to run - I can't avoid doing these ( nor do I want to as I love my work) but I do wish I had a bit less scheduled! I need to avoid overwhelm as much as I can.
Now finished the daily lessons from Belle and have moved onto a sober podcast each day accompanied by "homework" - today I had to see if I could let some one help me with something - a simple request but one I find very hard to do! Someone offered to carry my bags today and I accepted with thanks and a smile.
Sober treats today some new Rose shower gel and a sit by a river listening to a robin sing.
Sober treats today some new Rose shower gel and a sit by a river listening to a robin sing.
26/09/2016
Day 8. Week 2 of the rest of my life
Took myself off to bedroom early evening before dinner for a think, a listen to Belle again and to have a think about why I lapsed the last few times, on the basis that if I can spot the signs I can avoid it happening again. I really do find listening to Belle helps enormously - her wise words and calming voice ( along with the swearing ;) ) really do resonate with me.
I get a pre lapse phase before I actually lapse. For me its around ten days before the actual lapse itself, where I start to drift away from doing my sober homework, stop listening to sober podcasts, stop reading the blogs, also my self esteem begins to plummet, I stay up late and don't get enough sleep, my self care drops off and I retreat from contact with other people. I become (in my mind) less likable to be with, and I dislike myself more and more. As my self esteem drops lower and lower I dislike myself more and more and I feel I don't deserve to be better - I deserve to be a drunken, slobby wreck, because that is how I feel inside - broken, damaged.
In short all my sober self care goes out the window. And then I drink, to blot out how horrible I feel about myself.
Not this time. Lots of sober treats, self care, self love and making sure I look after myself. After all, if I don't look after me, why should anyone else? I am finally "getting it" I think - sober treats are a way for me to feel better about myself. Its NOT about the treats themselves its about caring enough about myself to treat myself kindly.
I get a pre lapse phase before I actually lapse. For me its around ten days before the actual lapse itself, where I start to drift away from doing my sober homework, stop listening to sober podcasts, stop reading the blogs, also my self esteem begins to plummet, I stay up late and don't get enough sleep, my self care drops off and I retreat from contact with other people. I become (in my mind) less likable to be with, and I dislike myself more and more. As my self esteem drops lower and lower I dislike myself more and more and I feel I don't deserve to be better - I deserve to be a drunken, slobby wreck, because that is how I feel inside - broken, damaged.
In short all my sober self care goes out the window. And then I drink, to blot out how horrible I feel about myself.
Not this time. Lots of sober treats, self care, self love and making sure I look after myself. After all, if I don't look after me, why should anyone else? I am finally "getting it" I think - sober treats are a way for me to feel better about myself. Its NOT about the treats themselves its about caring enough about myself to treat myself kindly.
25/09/2016
Day 7 and watching for overwhelm
I need to watch out for overwhelm. I have been very busy recently, was away at a conference yesterday which involved a very long drive there and back and I have lots to do this week
When I get tired and feel overwhelmed I want to drink wine. In the past I have either lapsed due to this or it has started off a bout of pre lapse behaviour which lead on to a lapse.
So. I had a lie in today, rather than going to my chosen sport all morning. I can do my sport when I am further into my sobriety.
While in bed doing my sober homework and writing stuff down in my journal I had a big think and realized that I am quite a secretive person. I don't like talking about myself to others and it is always on my terms when I "open up" to people. They think they are getting to know the "real me" but actually, they are not.
A lot of that I think stems from the guilt and shame I (misguidedly) felt about what had been done to me as a child (sexual and emotional abuse). I also felt I couldn't talk to anyone about it once I was an adult.
All of this is so wrong, of course, I know that now, but the habit of secrecy remains. And of course as a drinker we sometimes do very odd, secretive stuff to hide the extent of our drinking - well I know I did (hiding extra bottles in the wardrobe, sneaking empties into supermarket recycling bins, anyone?)
Still, despite the pondering it was a good day, I got lots of stuff done around the house and garden, went for a swim later and I did not drink :)
Sober treats? Lovely new perfume, a sauna at the gym and a lovely swim :)
Being sober makes everything else possible. Being drunk makes everything impossible.
When I get tired and feel overwhelmed I want to drink wine. In the past I have either lapsed due to this or it has started off a bout of pre lapse behaviour which lead on to a lapse.
So. I had a lie in today, rather than going to my chosen sport all morning. I can do my sport when I am further into my sobriety.
While in bed doing my sober homework and writing stuff down in my journal I had a big think and realized that I am quite a secretive person. I don't like talking about myself to others and it is always on my terms when I "open up" to people. They think they are getting to know the "real me" but actually, they are not.
A lot of that I think stems from the guilt and shame I (misguidedly) felt about what had been done to me as a child (sexual and emotional abuse). I also felt I couldn't talk to anyone about it once I was an adult.
All of this is so wrong, of course, I know that now, but the habit of secrecy remains. And of course as a drinker we sometimes do very odd, secretive stuff to hide the extent of our drinking - well I know I did (hiding extra bottles in the wardrobe, sneaking empties into supermarket recycling bins, anyone?)
Still, despite the pondering it was a good day, I got lots of stuff done around the house and garden, went for a swim later and I did not drink :)
Sober treats? Lovely new perfume, a sauna at the gym and a lovely swim :)
Being sober makes everything else possible. Being drunk makes everything impossible.
24/09/2016
Day 6 and dealing with discomfort.
Part of my whole "didn't learn to deal with emotions correctly" as a child manifests itself as discomfort dodging. I think I do a lot of discomfort dodging! Sometimes this manifests as getting on with stuff so as not to be late or behind a task, which is helpful, but in the evening if I felt uncomfortable I would start to drink.
This is one reason why I have lapsed quite often, usually around Day 6 or 7. I get a few days sober going, then feel a twinge, the Wine Bitch calls and I get uncomfortable and then ...I drink.
Like anything involving new patterns of thinking or doing, I have to train myself out of unwise patterns of behaviour.
So, when I get the urge to drink because I feel discomfort, I have a choice.
I could drink (NO!)
I could avoid the situation I am in, I could control the situation or I could escape it.
Or ..I could sit out the discomfort, noting it " oh, that's not comfortable" but not acting on it one way or another.
I favour the latter choice. Headspace has taught me it is a powerful tool!
Today, I went away to a conference, had a lot of fun and I did not drink :) I was tempted in the garage on the way home to buy wine but I paid for the fuel, then almost ran out of the place and got into my car and listened to Belle One Minute Message 6 and Day 6 audio lesson and read a few sober blogs (see sidebar > ) until the urge passed.
I CAN do this :)
Sober treats today. Chatting to friends, a lovely lunch, a walk in a garden, time to myself
23/09/2016
Day 5. A sober Fri.
I woke up after a slightly better night sleep but still very early. As I couldn't sleep again I used the time to do my sober homework reading and listen to today's audio lessons.
I worked out some coping strategies for when the Wine Bitch starts to tell me how rubbish I am at stuff and how I am bound to fail to stay sober. Fuck you WB, I now have a list! A plan! And I'm not afraid to use it on you! ( I love a good list :) )
It includes, buying or otherwise getting small cheap sober treats each day ( a nice herb tea or real coffee in the garden) listening to the robin sing, books, dvd's or downloaded films or box sets, going swimming, having time to properly cleanse my face with lovely smelling stuff, a home manicure, a soak in a hot bath with candles, a cuddle from my husband, my cat sitting on me more ( she didn't like the smell of wine I think!) a trip to the shops to browse and then a (cheapish) lunch out - I actually made a sandwich and a flask today, took them with me and went and sat by the river in nearby Big Town and watched the ducks in between shopping stuff. :)
I have maladaptive coping strategies when bad stuff happens to or around me. I CAN learn to experience emotions, sober. I CAN find other, better, more healthy ways of coping with life. Rather than pouring the "rotting by-product of grapes" down my throat every night..
When was the last time I ever woke up feeling regret I wasn't hungover? Never
Once I went beyond light social occasional drinking, (30 plus years ago!) I always regretted drinking next morning. Always.
Did I mention waking up hangover free is marvelous? Well, it is :)
So today I went shopping, then swimming and had a massage late afternoon - it was wonderful. Home to family, cats on the sofa and daft tv. Bed early.
Sober treats? The whole day :) I have also planned out a list of sober treats for the next week, some each day. Day 7 is some perfume :)
22/09/2016
Day 4, internal pitfalls and the Wine Bitch nagging.
Still very tired but woke up to feeling calmer and NO HANGOVER! That never, ever gets old, trust me :) I do have a stomach upset, though :(
My sober care routine first thing is to write my sober journal with daily affirmations ( which boil down to - don't drink today, be kind to myself, lots of sober treats, Headspace, rest and take lots of water and a good diet and vitamins.)
Thinking about how I got like this, I really did not learn how to self sooth at the critical age as a child - I had a very bad example in my father ( alcoholic, abusive, shouty bully) and my mother died when I was 10. I grew up seeing Dad bully and bluster and drink and shout his way through all emotions. Or lock them down.
I don't shout a lot, I am not ( I hope!) a bully but I did drink as a way of managing emotions. I also have had some mental health issues to do with all the past crap stuff and yes used alcohol to self medicate as a (poor) way to deal with my pain
Meditation and counselling have helped with the MH stuff to the point where I am able to get on with my life, largely unaffected by past events (except when triggered by something in the media, unexpectedly)
Not drinking and learning to actually experience and face emotions, sober, is the next thing to do, which is why I liken it to growing plants. Plant a seed, nurture it and watch it grow....
Fuck you Wine Bitch, I will NOT listen to your nagging. Go away. I choose a sober treat
Today these were Fevertree tonic, a home manicure and spa bath, a swim at the local gym, a good book, a cat on my lap, a cuddle from my family.
My sober care routine first thing is to write my sober journal with daily affirmations ( which boil down to - don't drink today, be kind to myself, lots of sober treats, Headspace, rest and take lots of water and a good diet and vitamins.)
Thinking about how I got like this, I really did not learn how to self sooth at the critical age as a child - I had a very bad example in my father ( alcoholic, abusive, shouty bully) and my mother died when I was 10. I grew up seeing Dad bully and bluster and drink and shout his way through all emotions. Or lock them down.
I don't shout a lot, I am not ( I hope!) a bully but I did drink as a way of managing emotions. I also have had some mental health issues to do with all the past crap stuff and yes used alcohol to self medicate as a (poor) way to deal with my pain
Meditation and counselling have helped with the MH stuff to the point where I am able to get on with my life, largely unaffected by past events (except when triggered by something in the media, unexpectedly)
Not drinking and learning to actually experience and face emotions, sober, is the next thing to do, which is why I liken it to growing plants. Plant a seed, nurture it and watch it grow....
Fuck you Wine Bitch, I will NOT listen to your nagging. Go away. I choose a sober treat
Today these were Fevertree tonic, a home manicure and spa bath, a swim at the local gym, a good book, a cat on my lap, a cuddle from my family.
21/09/2016
Day 3, bitches, witches and wolves
Woke up after very little sleep and did some sober homework from 7 - 9 am in bed.
Read the MOB email for today, also listened to Sober Sassy Playbook audios from Jackie and Belle's lesson for today - an audio message lasting around 10 mins. I find audios go straight into my brain, especially using headphones so I can't hear any other sound from around me.
Today's lessons made me think about ways to cope with cravings ( avoid, control or escape them) and also I examined what sort of drinker I am so I can plan to avoid, control or escape more easily. it also gave me lots to think about around the whole issue of sober treats. I also had some uncomfortable musings about the role alcohol had in my family as a default coping mechanism.
I have not done much in the way of sober treats, before - mainly because I feel uncomfortable with the concept of rewarding my self, especially for doing something I really SHOULD be able to just do with no effort. I got myself into this mess of drinking too much - why should I get treats as a reward to extricate myself from the hole *I* have dug?
But I do have to admit I am finding things a tiny bit easier this time - not sure if that is because I have built up a good selection of sober tools and have added in more this time, or if I am finally getting the idea that sober treats are a good idea, not a self indulgent reward for what I perceive to be poor choices and poor behaviour ( ie my drinking habits) After all, I am only doing something I really ought to be able to do, anyway? So why the fuck should I get sober treats for doing it?
So goes my mind, anyway - which I now realize is my addict brain talking to try to make me feel bad ( and therefore drink - ha!)
Addict brain aka the Wine Witch or Wolfie or the Wine Bitch, depending on which blog you read.
I like the term Wine Bitch, as actually I like wolves., and witches ... :)
Headspace is helping to calm my brain chatter and improve my mood - 142 consecutive days today :)
Sober treats today - Found my replacement drink - fizzy water and PLJ, had a coffee in a nice cafe while out; chocolate, a bunch of flowers from the market.
Read the MOB email for today, also listened to Sober Sassy Playbook audios from Jackie and Belle's lesson for today - an audio message lasting around 10 mins. I find audios go straight into my brain, especially using headphones so I can't hear any other sound from around me.
Today's lessons made me think about ways to cope with cravings ( avoid, control or escape them) and also I examined what sort of drinker I am so I can plan to avoid, control or escape more easily. it also gave me lots to think about around the whole issue of sober treats. I also had some uncomfortable musings about the role alcohol had in my family as a default coping mechanism.
I have not done much in the way of sober treats, before - mainly because I feel uncomfortable with the concept of rewarding my self, especially for doing something I really SHOULD be able to just do with no effort. I got myself into this mess of drinking too much - why should I get treats as a reward to extricate myself from the hole *I* have dug?
But I do have to admit I am finding things a tiny bit easier this time - not sure if that is because I have built up a good selection of sober tools and have added in more this time, or if I am finally getting the idea that sober treats are a good idea, not a self indulgent reward for what I perceive to be poor choices and poor behaviour ( ie my drinking habits) After all, I am only doing something I really ought to be able to do, anyway? So why the fuck should I get sober treats for doing it?
So goes my mind, anyway - which I now realize is my addict brain talking to try to make me feel bad ( and therefore drink - ha!)
Addict brain aka the Wine Witch or Wolfie or the Wine Bitch, depending on which blog you read.
I like the term Wine Bitch, as actually I like wolves., and witches ... :)
Headspace is helping to calm my brain chatter and improve my mood - 142 consecutive days today :)
Sober treats today - Found my replacement drink - fizzy water and PLJ, had a coffee in a nice cafe while out; chocolate, a bunch of flowers from the market.
20/09/2016
Day 2
Felt very tired but could not sleep last night so today I am shattered this morning. Feeling shame and self loathing at my past behaviour. Not very productive I know and I am doing my best to think differently, but it is hard.
A positive - no hangover, no fuzzy head or nasty taste in mouth when I woke up although I do feel pretty ill.
I wrote in my journal first thing my daily goals ( Don't drink, sober care, read and listen to the various daily lessons and be kind to myself with sober treats)
I have done months without drinking, Dry January, Sober for October, Dry July, giving up when getting fit and losing weight etc BUT as soon as I start drinking again, within a day or two I am straight back to the same levels (worryingly high, to me) as I was drinking before.
Unlike other people around me, I seem to have no "off" switch; no ability to moderate. I really can't understand how/why people just have one drink? What is the point in that? I have one and want a bottle. Or two. Even if I don't actually drink any more, I want to, all the time.
So tired of it all, the endless mental chatter about "is there more is the house" "If I drink more will I be able to function tomorrow" "Am I getting my "fair share" of the bottle"? So exhausting and so much of my energy is taken up with all that crap, rather than getting on with my life.
Later on in the afternoon
I am lucky I am self employed and scheduled a quiet week this week! I spent several hours today on and off working through all the sober homework, Club Soda MOB, Sober Sassy Life, listening to Belle's lesson and reading her book and really thinking about my answers - I filled 10 sides of the journal!
Trying not to feel like I am wasting time or money doing this - if it helps me stay sober it is an investment of time and money - an investment in me and my future.
I fear if I don't stop drinking I may not have much of a future. I am/was pretty high functioning at the moment (I get on with jobs, my work, family stuff, had no DUI charges, no injuries due to alcohol, no major scenes anywhere with friends, marriage still ok) but I just know that if I continue to drink, the only way will be down. I have seen several family members go down that route and it is horrifying. And as I can't seem to control my drinking that means I have to stop drinking completely.
I started this blog as part of my recovery process. Just for my benefit - I keep a detailed written journal but I also like blogging ( I have several blogs under my real name) so I thought, why not? Do NOT intend to make this open for public viewing, though!
Sober treat for Day 2?
Rest, a bath, nice herb tea, a walk in the sunshine, a scented candle I had been saving for "later", I downloaded a new book and read some of it. I went to bed early last night and did my usual meditation ( badly - too many thoughts swirling through my head!) using Headspace. I am on Day 140 of Headspace and it has really helped me a lot but I hope to gain even more mental clarity by stopping drinking.
Bedtime
I feel pretty grim tbh. I feel sweaty and anxious and unwell, I really really want to drink red wine. There isn't any in the house. I have a terrible headache despite drinking loads of water and a very nasty taste in my mouth. I know its just my body detoxing. I did not drink today. I will not drink today. I just need to keep on not drinking. That is the most important thing. Not drinking.
A positive - no hangover, no fuzzy head or nasty taste in mouth when I woke up although I do feel pretty ill.
I wrote in my journal first thing my daily goals ( Don't drink, sober care, read and listen to the various daily lessons and be kind to myself with sober treats)
I have done months without drinking, Dry January, Sober for October, Dry July, giving up when getting fit and losing weight etc BUT as soon as I start drinking again, within a day or two I am straight back to the same levels (worryingly high, to me) as I was drinking before.
Unlike other people around me, I seem to have no "off" switch; no ability to moderate. I really can't understand how/why people just have one drink? What is the point in that? I have one and want a bottle. Or two. Even if I don't actually drink any more, I want to, all the time.
So tired of it all, the endless mental chatter about "is there more is the house" "If I drink more will I be able to function tomorrow" "Am I getting my "fair share" of the bottle"? So exhausting and so much of my energy is taken up with all that crap, rather than getting on with my life.
Later on in the afternoon
I am lucky I am self employed and scheduled a quiet week this week! I spent several hours today on and off working through all the sober homework, Club Soda MOB, Sober Sassy Life, listening to Belle's lesson and reading her book and really thinking about my answers - I filled 10 sides of the journal!
Trying not to feel like I am wasting time or money doing this - if it helps me stay sober it is an investment of time and money - an investment in me and my future.
I fear if I don't stop drinking I may not have much of a future. I am/was pretty high functioning at the moment (I get on with jobs, my work, family stuff, had no DUI charges, no injuries due to alcohol, no major scenes anywhere with friends, marriage still ok) but I just know that if I continue to drink, the only way will be down. I have seen several family members go down that route and it is horrifying. And as I can't seem to control my drinking that means I have to stop drinking completely.
I started this blog as part of my recovery process. Just for my benefit - I keep a detailed written journal but I also like blogging ( I have several blogs under my real name) so I thought, why not? Do NOT intend to make this open for public viewing, though!
Sober treat for Day 2?
Rest, a bath, nice herb tea, a walk in the sunshine, a scented candle I had been saving for "later", I downloaded a new book and read some of it. I went to bed early last night and did my usual meditation ( badly - too many thoughts swirling through my head!) using Headspace. I am on Day 140 of Headspace and it has really helped me a lot but I hope to gain even more mental clarity by stopping drinking.
Bedtime
I feel pretty grim tbh. I feel sweaty and anxious and unwell, I really really want to drink red wine. There isn't any in the house. I have a terrible headache despite drinking loads of water and a very nasty taste in my mouth. I know its just my body detoxing. I did not drink today. I will not drink today. I just need to keep on not drinking. That is the most important thing. Not drinking.
19/09/2016
Giving up alcohol, Day 1, again.
So how did I get to this point, where I want to give up alcohol?
I realized some years ago I had a slight problem with drinking, not the amount of wine I drank then, so much as the fact that once I started drinking wine, I didn't want to stop. Although I did stop, I wanted to keep on going.
Gradually the amount I drank increased. Always with my husband (then!) never on my own, but sometimes more than I really felt I wanted to, or was good for me, or later on, that I could afford. And I frequently initiated the drinking - I suggested the bottle of wine with dinner, I suggested the night cap before bed.
Then a couple of years ago I was hospitalized (not related to alcohol) nearly died and stopped drinking for 8 weeks while I recovered from the injury and post injury illness. I realized recently that this was the longest I had gone without drinking, apart from pregnancies, since I was 16.
Since then, in the last two years I have tried to moderate my drinking. I have cut down or stopped drinking quite a few times. I have had more dry days than drinking days in the last 700 days. but even so I realized I spent SO MUCH mental effort on thinking about not drinking and I am tired of the endless mental chatter.
After a period of mostly sobriety and moderation over the summer I lapsed big time in the last few days and felt really out of control. So I now have shame to add into that mental chatter toxic brew. Shame at my my lack of self control.
I'm so tired of all this. There has to be another way! I've had enough of the drink, drunk, regret, repeat cycle.
In the last year I have joined various online support groups (Club Soda MOB, Sober Sassy Life,Tired of thinking about drinking, Soberistas etc) and I have been reading lots of sober blogs and joining in with on line support threads, which has helped me to re frame my thinking about drinking and to stop drinking for lengthy periods of time, but I STILL went back to the wine, eventually!
So, I am on Day 1, again. I feel sweaty and ill and hungover and ashamed. I ache all over both physically and emotionally. This morning I took vitamins and had a shower and washed my hair. Symbolic of a new start - a clean body. I drank lots of water and plan to drink lots more and rest.
This time around I am trying something different in addition to these other online sober support ideas, adding an extra layer of sober tools provided by Belle from Tired of thinking about drinking. I joined her Sober JumpStart course and I have committed to 100 days sober
Belle suggests lots of self care and sober treats as well as providing audio lessons each day for the first week and then daily audio support in the form of podcasts. What with these, the daily emails from Club Soda and similar stuff from Jackie at Sober Sassy Life to read and act upon, I have a lot of sober homework to keep me occupied.
I realized some years ago I had a slight problem with drinking, not the amount of wine I drank then, so much as the fact that once I started drinking wine, I didn't want to stop. Although I did stop, I wanted to keep on going.
Gradually the amount I drank increased. Always with my husband (then!) never on my own, but sometimes more than I really felt I wanted to, or was good for me, or later on, that I could afford. And I frequently initiated the drinking - I suggested the bottle of wine with dinner, I suggested the night cap before bed.
Then a couple of years ago I was hospitalized (not related to alcohol) nearly died and stopped drinking for 8 weeks while I recovered from the injury and post injury illness. I realized recently that this was the longest I had gone without drinking, apart from pregnancies, since I was 16.
Since then, in the last two years I have tried to moderate my drinking. I have cut down or stopped drinking quite a few times. I have had more dry days than drinking days in the last 700 days. but even so I realized I spent SO MUCH mental effort on thinking about not drinking and I am tired of the endless mental chatter.
After a period of mostly sobriety and moderation over the summer I lapsed big time in the last few days and felt really out of control. So I now have shame to add into that mental chatter toxic brew. Shame at my my lack of self control.
I'm so tired of all this. There has to be another way! I've had enough of the drink, drunk, regret, repeat cycle.
In the last year I have joined various online support groups (Club Soda MOB, Sober Sassy Life,Tired of thinking about drinking, Soberistas etc) and I have been reading lots of sober blogs and joining in with on line support threads, which has helped me to re frame my thinking about drinking and to stop drinking for lengthy periods of time, but I STILL went back to the wine, eventually!
So, I am on Day 1, again. I feel sweaty and ill and hungover and ashamed. I ache all over both physically and emotionally. This morning I took vitamins and had a shower and washed my hair. Symbolic of a new start - a clean body. I drank lots of water and plan to drink lots more and rest.
This time around I am trying something different in addition to these other online sober support ideas, adding an extra layer of sober tools provided by Belle from Tired of thinking about drinking. I joined her Sober JumpStart course and I have committed to 100 days sober
Belle suggests lots of self care and sober treats as well as providing audio lessons each day for the first week and then daily audio support in the form of podcasts. What with these, the daily emails from Club Soda and similar stuff from Jackie at Sober Sassy Life to read and act upon, I have a lot of sober homework to keep me occupied.
Here is the 100 day challenge I have signed up to with Belle
Dear Belle“I will not drink for 100 days. No matter what. I can cry, but I will not drink. I can go to bed or go home early. I might feel distressed ... but I will not drink. Bad things might happen, but I will not drink. Incredibly shitty things may happen to someone around me, or my neighbour, or my friend’s friend’s grandmother. But there will be no booze. Funerals? Weddings? Amputation? I’m not drinking for 100 days no matter what happens … No matter what.”
love, Sober Sarah xxx
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