Thinking about drinking?

I had a muse and this is what came out.

Why would I want to throw away all the great stuff I have learned and done in the last month or so, just in case I have miraculously learned to be normal about drinking? The last time I could moderate successfully was around 18 years ago and even before that, I always wanted more ...even if I didn't actually have any?

I have a past pattern of certainly obsessive behaviour, some times it has helped me (work, exams, getting stuff done) but other times no not so good. Also I have a history of over compensating for feeling rubbish and fake by doing "more" in my work, my hobbies, my business, my everyday life Basically I was trying to hide and make up for how broken and worthless I felt.

I now realize I'm not rubbish or damaged or broken or worthless. I had bad things done to me by bad or damaged people. I'm strong and capable and brave and talented - look how much I have achieved, despite feeling so very worthless! That's not the life of a worthless person 😀

 All that time throwing wine over my brain to make myself feel less, all the addictive, obsessive stuff, trying to make me feel better and it didn't fucking work.

Sobriety makes me feel better. Not drinking alcohol, like not eating gluten or lactose, makes me feel better. Sober Treats when I am sad make me feel better (who would have guessed it ? 😀 ) Sober Treats when I am happy make me feel happier.

Listening to a Sober podcast from Belle makes me feel good. Reading  a sober blog makes me feel good. Not drinking for 100 days will mean that, even after paying for the sober jump start course, I will have enough money extra to tax and insure my car for a year (but car already paid for and I'm going to spend that money on Sober Treats for me! ) And it's worth every penny, and more.

This turned into a rant. I'm not sorry 😀

Social life regained.

Socialising? I have done far MORE in the last three weeks than in the last probably six months :)

Some of that is being able to drive again (not drunk early evening, so can go out to stuff!) And a lot is just that my depression and self esteem are so much lifted I can be bothered to go out And I feel I actually am likable and worth it. I am not broken. Not broken people can go out and have  a good time.

I have had lots of outings to things as my sober treats . Gigs, literary talks, book club, craft club, yoga, history walks, conferences. I'm really enjoying my sober life. I want to build up a lot of memories of how good I feel so if I get any crap voices nagging me to drunk I have lots of great new patterns to remind me what a very bad idea it would be to spoil my sobriety.

Looking forward to the next month :)

One Month :)

Yes a whole month has  passed and it's all so very different from the last times I stopped drinking. I know now that in the past sober times I was just "not drinking", rather than having stopped drinking.

Even though I did it for a long time, I was still the same me, still with all the baggage and depression and self loathing and feeling broken and worthless, just without the alcohol as well.

This time, having worked over the last month (with help)  on how I feel and on changing how I  think about myself,  I actually feel so much happier already! Some of this builds on previous work I did when sober (but never quite believed was true) but mostly it's down to Belle. Her voice in my ear, her emails, reading her blog (all of it, in order ) and listening to sober podcasts.

It's not just about stopping drinking, in my opinion.  Although that's good!  But, unless we work on the underlying issues which made us want to drown our brains in alcohol and numb out our lives in the first place, there will be a much higher risk of lapsing back into drinking when something stressful happens.

We  have to replace the poor habit with a good one (bath, meditation, fizzy water and lemon juice, cuddle a cat, buy a book etc). We have to learn good coping mechanisms to replace the maladaptive ones.


I had a dreadful weekend just gone. Really very stressful and unpleasant. My reaction was to seek comfort in a bath, meditation, nice chocolate and a cuddle with my DH. It honestly did not occur to me to drink. I was in a shop and could have bought some wine, a thought which actually only occurred to me as I drove home and then only in a "oh, yes I could have" sort of way, not a craving way. Huge progress in reshaping my neural pathways. Early days but even so, it really is progress for me.


Day 31 and I have a new necklace as my sober treat for a month :) A feather to remind me I am now flying, free of alcohol 😀

What do I get from sobriety?

What do I get from sobriety?

No hangover. NO HANGOVER! That never, ever gets old :)

The feeling that I am NOT worthless, NOT broken and a valuable person in my own right.

Lifting of anxiety and depression.

The ability to get up early and get on with my jobs, tending to my chickens, growing veg, harvesting crops, preserving stuff.

The ability to get back to being the best I can be when I teach people, rather than being sub par a lot of the time

Basically, getting my whole life back.

Day 29

Signs of a lapse.

Looking back on what the warning signs for me are when I'm in the danger zone for a lapse as I need to be hyper vigilant and head one off.

I am sad to say I stop caring for myself so much when I am pre lapsing or actively drinking. I let the gaps between showers get a little longer, I wear slightly grubby clothes because I didn't bother to do a load of washing even though it needed doing,

I start to bite my nails again, I stop bothering so much with moisturizer or make up or any self grooming.  It is shit and no way to treat myself. I don't get to a smelly point but my self care definitely lapses.

Because I don't love myself very much and when I drink I really don't love myself. Which is strange, because the drinking is meant to make me feel better about myself (ha ha bloody ha)

But it never, ever did make me feel better. It always always made me feel worse.

Day 26 :)

Giving yourself self care is NOT self ish.

We are trying to do something amazing and swim against the tide of "alcohol is normal".

It is NOT - it is a poison to all and for some of us, it very rapidly becomes a huge problem, whatever level we were drinking at (whether stepping off the down lift at a high or low bottom)

This last time of starting sobriety, from Day 1 onwards I basically hibernated as much as I could (family and self employed work allowing) did as little as I could (ditto) used ready meals and raided the freezers - normally we cook from scratch here with homegrown stuff but that went by the by. I did this as much as possible for the first two weeks.

That was one of the things I had not done the previous (many) times I had tried to be sober long term - this time I was determined to add  other tools to my sober tool kit which already had a lot of self care in it ( blogs, on line support, my journal, exercise, meditation, etc ) But I had lapsed, again, so I heeded Belles wise words about doing it differently.

I have learned my lesson - if you lapse, do it differently next time so add something else into all the other stuff you did before.

Originally, I tried to moderate, then to just stop drinking. That had limited success (!) I have ongoing, can't really be altered stress in my life and I drank to blot it all out or to self medicate for stuff I don't want to think about.

The first time I lapsed I had a look around for sober support and joined some online groups. These were really helpful for a while. Then I lapsed.

So I added a subscription to Headspace rather than just doing meditation by myself.  This worked for a while to distract me, then I lapsed.

I joined Sober Sassy Life and worked my way through 30 days. This was great and I started to examine why I drank. I was sober for 45 days,  then I got stressed and I lapsed.

I then made a cosy retreat for me in  the spare room so some nights when I could not sleep I could watch Amazon Prime and dvds on my laptop. I managed 35 days doing this, then I got stressed and I lapsed.

The next time I lapsed ( I went away on a holiday and there was lots of drinking going on), I worked my way through Club Soda's MOB and the 30 days of emails and exercises. This helped me to examine even more deeply why I drank, which was uncomfortable, but eventually ( you guessed it, under extreme stress) I lapsed.

The next time I lapsed, I added in more sober books and sober blogs, which I read. No good adding sober tools if you don't actually use them! But, eventually I had a period of overwhelm and high stress and really shitty things happened and, I drank to blot it all out. Didn't work though.

Finally, this time round I have added in sober treats and Belle's lessons and sober podcasts.

This time around I have basically prioritized ME over everything else, in order to get back to being the best wife and mum and friend and person I could be to everyone else again - but without the crutch of alcohol propping me up when I felt down.

I am sorry if this sounds a bit incoherent as it is hard to express in words but honestly, honestly please look after yourself first - you really do have to look after yourself before you can even begin to look after anyone else. It is the first rule of ANY survival situation - plane crash, first aid, survival stuff.

And I NEVER gave up on the idea that I could be sober, that there was something better than drowning my sorrows in wine.

Never give up. Keep on trying. It WILL work for you one day.

Thoughts of the future.

Had a rest today! A lie in, then went for a walk in the sunshine through a wood, later on a nice bath, and an early night.

Another busy work day tomorrow, in a college teaching stuff.
 
Enjoying the sober momentum I am beginning to build up and husband asked yesterday if I was planning to ever drink again? I said "Not for 100 days, maybe sometime I will in the future?"

I don't think I will, though. That would be just after Christmas this year. Why mess with my momentum?

Day 23 :)

Things worth getting up at 5 am for

I used to wake up at 5 am for a lot of things.

To compete in my sport. To listen to bird song. To dance in the sunrise. To watch wildlife. To tend to a baby. To go on a protest march.

When I was drinking I woke  up at 5 am

To have a wee. To lie in bed sweating. To wake up and feel ashamed and worried and ill and not be able to get back to sleep. To check my computer and phone and try to undo the damage of drunk social media posts.

I used to sometimes lie in bed late, because I didn't see anything worth getting out of bed for. I felt so ashamed and unhappy and couldn't see the point in getting up. I did eventually, of course, and got on with my day but I was SO unhappy.

Today I woke up at 5 am, had a cup of tea, watched the sun rise and then washed, dressed and prepared for a busy working day.

Being sober, even miserably sober, beats any "so called" pleasure of drinking, hands down. No contest.

Day 20 today :)

Lulls and emptiness

A lull at  the moment , before the storm ( of work).  I used to drink to fill a lull. I used to drink to fill the emptiness inside me. Not any more.

This week I am so busy at the moment there are no lulls. When there are some I intend to view them as an experience of sober living and embrace whatever feeling I feel, and respond as needed probably with more sober treats ;) I need to experience life as it really is without modifying my reactions by using alcohol to numb my emotions.

Tomorrow is the start of a big weekend work event. A bit nervous that it will go well, that lots of people will come, that the weather stays dry.

Watching out for wine bitch to suggest a drink would help ... Fuck you wine bitch go away I'm not biting.

Day 17 - Book festival.

Today I drove to a festival, met some good friends and listened to authors talk about their books. I had lunch in a pub and drank fizzy water and coffee. I had a fabulous time and bought lots of books which I got signed by the authors.

If I were still drinking I would not have been able to do this - I would not have got up early enough; I might still have been under the influence of alcohol so I would not have driven my car to the event; if I had been sober enough to drive I would have still worried all day about not being ok to drive and spoiled the day out for myself. I would not have had the money spare to buy the tickets or the books, because I had drunk it all. Etc, etc.

Sobriety, the gift that keeps on giving :)

Day 16 - FUW

Today I got a special gift from Belle - a Fuck You Wolfie key ring.
A talisman I can hold on to if I ever feel a desire to drink, coming over me.
Fuck you Wolfie I see you trying to sneak up on me.

Day 14 - Two weeks sober today

Today I went to a food and drink festival. It has been a glorious sunny day and the venue was packed.

I was offered lots of samples of food and drink - the food I accepted the alcohol, not. I said "no thanks I don't drink"  a lot today :)

Drunk people are not fun to be around. Being a slave to wine is not fun either. I am having SO MUCH more fun now I am sober! I am so much more productive and free now I have stopped drinking.

Am I an alcoholic? Yes I think I probably was. But if I stop drinking I won't be any more. Will I be an alcoholic for ever? Who knows. As I don't plan on drinking for at least 100 days, possibly longer, does it really matter?

I have tried AA in the past and while I understand it helps many many people it really was not for me. One reason was the idea that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. We don't use such terminology for other addictions, do we. I am an ex smoker. I used to smoke and now I don't. As long as I keep on not smoking I am an ex smoker. In the same way as long as I keep on not drinking, I am an ex drinker, surely?

Two weeks sober today :) I feel great mentally and physically. Sleep is still elusive but what I do get, is refreshing.

Sober treat today - a special one of a new silver pendant and chain :)

Day 13 - mood modification

I've been thinking. What if being kind to myself and treating myself when I feel sad is normal?

What if that is what normally adjusted people do? If they feel sad or upset, they do something to alter their sad mood and cheer themselves up like call a friend or have a nice bath or go for a swim or sit and cuddle a cat by the fire?

What if that is normal behaviour,  rather than opening a bottle of  fermented by product of rotting grapes, pouring it into a glass and drinking it to alter the sad mood?

That is what I have to re learn. How to alter my mood without alcohol. If I feel down I need to be kind to myself, to make myself feel better. NOT drink something that will make me feel a lot worse.

Sober treats today - a visit to a literary event. New books. The ability to drive wherever I want and not worry if I am still over the limit. I never was but I always worried ( obsessively) about this.