Day 4, internal pitfalls and the Wine Bitch nagging.

Still very tired but woke up to feeling calmer and NO HANGOVER! That never, ever gets old, trust me :) I do have a stomach upset, though :(

My sober care routine first thing is to write my sober journal with  daily affirmations ( which boil down to - don't drink today, be kind to myself, lots of sober treats, Headspace, rest and take lots of water and a good diet and vitamins.)

Thinking about how I got like this, I really did not learn how to self sooth at the critical age as a child - I had a very bad example in my father ( alcoholic, abusive, shouty bully) and my mother died when I was 10. I grew up seeing Dad bully and bluster and drink and shout his way through all emotions. Or lock them down.

I don't shout a lot, I am not ( I hope!) a bully but I did drink as a way of managing emotions.  I also have had some mental health issues to do with all the past crap stuff and yes used alcohol to self medicate as a (poor) way to deal with my pain

Meditation and counselling have helped with the MH stuff to the point where I am able to get on with my life, largely unaffected by past events (except when triggered by something in the media, unexpectedly)

Not drinking and learning to actually experience and face emotions, sober, is the next thing to do, which is why I liken it to growing plants. Plant a seed, nurture it and watch it grow....

Fuck you Wine Bitch,  I will NOT listen to your nagging. Go away. I choose a sober treat

Today these were Fevertree tonic, a home manicure and spa bath, a swim at the local gym, a good book, a cat on my lap, a cuddle from my family.

Day 2

Felt very tired but could not sleep last night so today I am shattered this morning. Feeling shame and self loathing at my past behaviour. Not very productive I know and I am doing my best to think differently, but it is hard. 

A positive - no hangover, no fuzzy head or nasty taste in mouth when I woke up although I do feel pretty ill.

I wrote in my journal first thing my daily goals ( Don't drink, sober care, read and listen to the various daily lessons and be kind to myself with sober treats) 

I have done months without drinking, Dry January, Sober for October, Dry July, giving up when getting fit and losing weight etc BUT as soon as I start drinking again, within a day or two I am straight back to the same levels (worryingly high, to me) as I was drinking before.

Unlike other people around me, I seem to have no "off" switch; no ability to moderate. I really can't understand how/why people just have one drink? What is the point in that? I have one and want a bottle. Or two. Even if I don't actually drink any more,  I want to, all the time.

So tired of it all, the endless mental chatter about "is there more is the house" "If I drink more will I be able to function tomorrow" "Am I getting my "fair share" of the bottle"? So exhausting and so much of my energy is taken up with all that crap, rather than getting on with my life.

Later on in the afternoon

I am lucky I am self employed and scheduled a quiet week this week! I spent several hours today on and off working through all the sober homework, Club Soda MOB, Sober Sassy Life, listening to Belle's lesson and reading her book and really thinking about my answers  -  I filled 10 sides of the journal!

Trying not to feel like I am wasting time or money doing this - if it helps me stay sober it is an investment of time and money  - an investment in me and my future.

I fear if I don't stop drinking I may not have much of a future. I am/was pretty high functioning at the moment (I get on with jobs, my work, family stuff, had no DUI charges, no injuries due to alcohol, no major scenes anywhere with friends, marriage still ok) but I just know that if I continue to drink, the only way will be down. I have seen several family members go down that route and it is horrifying. And as I can't seem to control my drinking that means I have to stop drinking completely.

I started this blog as part of my recovery process. Just for my benefit - I keep a detailed written journal but I also like blogging ( I have several blogs under my real name) so I thought, why not? Do NOT intend to make this open for public viewing, though!

Sober treat for Day 2? 
Rest, a bath, nice herb tea, a walk in the sunshine, a scented candle I had been saving for "later", I downloaded a new book and read some of it. I went to bed early last night and did my usual meditation ( badly - too many thoughts swirling through my head!) using Headspace. I am on Day 140 of Headspace and it has really helped me a lot but I hope to gain even more mental clarity by stopping drinking.

Bedtime
I feel pretty grim tbh. I feel sweaty and anxious and unwell, I really really want to drink red wine. There isn't any in the house. I have a terrible headache despite drinking loads of water and a very nasty taste in my mouth. I know its just my body detoxing. I did not drink today. I will not drink today. I just need to keep on not drinking. That is the most important thing. Not drinking.