Day 9 - back to work

A slightly better night sleep last night and awake at 7 am. Did some sober reading and listened to various sober podcasts. I find doing this sets me up for the day, to be sober all day.

My skin looks so much better, clearer and more even. I feel calm, mentally sharper and a lot less anxious.

I am finding my days are much more productive now - I am back at work and coming up to a very busy phase with lots of workshops and seminars to run - I can't avoid doing these ( nor do I want to as I love my work)   but I do wish I had a bit less scheduled! I need to avoid overwhelm as much as I can.

Now finished the daily lessons from Belle and have moved onto a sober podcast each day accompanied by "homework" - today I had to see if I could let some one help me with something - a simple request but one I find very hard to do! Someone offered to carry my bags today and I accepted with thanks and a smile.

Sober treats today some new Rose shower gel and a sit by a river listening to a robin sing.

Day 7 and watching for overwhelm

I need to watch out for overwhelm. I have been very busy recently, was away at a conference yesterday which involved a very long drive there and back and I have lots to do this week

When I get tired and feel overwhelmed I want to drink wine. In the past I have either lapsed due to this or it has started off a bout of pre lapse behaviour which lead on to a lapse.

So. I had a lie in today, rather than going to my chosen sport all morning. I can do my sport when I am further into my sobriety.

While in bed doing my sober homework and writing stuff down in my journal I had a big think and realized that I am quite a secretive person. I don't like talking about myself to others and it is always on my terms when I "open up" to people. They think they are getting to know the "real me" but actually, they are not.

A lot of that I think stems from the guilt and shame I (misguidedly) felt about what had been done to me as a child (sexual and emotional abuse). I also felt I couldn't talk to anyone about it once I was an adult.

All of this is so wrong, of course, I know that now, but the habit of secrecy remains. And of course as a drinker we sometimes do very odd, secretive  stuff to hide the extent of our drinking - well I know I did (hiding extra bottles in the wardrobe, sneaking empties into supermarket recycling bins, anyone?)

Still, despite the pondering it was a good day, I got lots of stuff done around the house and garden, went for a swim later and I did not drink :)

Sober treats?  Lovely new perfume, a sauna at the gym and a lovely swim :)

Being sober makes everything else possible. Being drunk makes everything impossible.

Day 4, internal pitfalls and the Wine Bitch nagging.

Still very tired but woke up to feeling calmer and NO HANGOVER! That never, ever gets old, trust me :) I do have a stomach upset, though :(

My sober care routine first thing is to write my sober journal with  daily affirmations ( which boil down to - don't drink today, be kind to myself, lots of sober treats, Headspace, rest and take lots of water and a good diet and vitamins.)

Thinking about how I got like this, I really did not learn how to self sooth at the critical age as a child - I had a very bad example in my father ( alcoholic, abusive, shouty bully) and my mother died when I was 10. I grew up seeing Dad bully and bluster and drink and shout his way through all emotions. Or lock them down.

I don't shout a lot, I am not ( I hope!) a bully but I did drink as a way of managing emotions.  I also have had some mental health issues to do with all the past crap stuff and yes used alcohol to self medicate as a (poor) way to deal with my pain

Meditation and counselling have helped with the MH stuff to the point where I am able to get on with my life, largely unaffected by past events (except when triggered by something in the media, unexpectedly)

Not drinking and learning to actually experience and face emotions, sober, is the next thing to do, which is why I liken it to growing plants. Plant a seed, nurture it and watch it grow....

Fuck you Wine Bitch,  I will NOT listen to your nagging. Go away. I choose a sober treat

Today these were Fevertree tonic, a home manicure and spa bath, a swim at the local gym, a good book, a cat on my lap, a cuddle from my family.

Day 3, bitches, witches and wolves

Woke up after very little sleep and did some sober homework from 7 - 9 am in bed.

Read the MOB email for today,  also listened to Sober Sassy Playbook audios from Jackie and Belle's lesson for today - an audio message lasting around 10 mins. I find audios go straight into my brain, especially using headphones so I can't hear any other sound from around me.

Today's lessons made me think about ways to cope with cravings ( avoid, control or escape them) and also I examined what sort of drinker I am so I can plan to avoid, control or escape more easily. it also gave me lots to think about around the whole issue of sober treats. I also had some uncomfortable musings about the role alcohol had in my family as a default coping mechanism.

I have not done much in the way of sober treats, before - mainly because I feel uncomfortable with the concept of rewarding my self, especially for doing something I really SHOULD be able to just do with no effort. I got myself into this mess of drinking too much - why should I get treats as a reward to extricate myself from the hole *I* have dug?

But I do have to admit I am finding things a tiny bit easier this time - not sure if that is because I have built up a good selection of sober tools and have added in more this time, or if I am finally getting the idea that sober treats are a good idea, not a self indulgent reward for what I perceive to be poor choices and poor behaviour ( ie my drinking habits) After all, I am only doing something I really ought to be able to do, anyway? So why the fuck should I get sober treats for doing it?

So goes my mind, anyway - which I  now realize is my addict brain talking to try to make me feel bad ( and therefore drink - ha!)

Addict brain aka the Wine Witch or Wolfie or the Wine Bitch, depending on which blog you read.

I like the term Wine Bitch, as actually I like wolves., and witches ... :)

Headspace is helping to calm my brain chatter and improve my mood - 142 consecutive days today :)

Sober treats today - Found my replacement drink - fizzy water and PLJ, had a coffee in a nice cafe while out; chocolate, a bunch of flowers from the market.