Lapsed, sad.

Well, I knew I was in pre lapse, I saw the warning signs, I did something about them but not enough, as yesterday I had a drink :)

I've taken time out today to rest and read and listen to Belle sober podcasts and read some of your blogs. I have been overwhelmed with work and stuff this week and felt fear of under delivery at work.

 I've called a halt to this and said I can't now deliver stuff  next week, it will have to be next month. Client not happy but accepting.

I'm still not well, my back and hip are not going to get better and its chronic and not going to improve. I'm so stressed with all the stuff in my life which is hard to change, so why on earth do I continue to add to the huge pile of ongoing stress by adding alcohol to all my other problems?

Feel very despondent that I had a couple of ginger beers yesterday. The first one was unknowing and unintentional, but I chose to drink the second one.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day, hopefully a sober one as well.

I do feel I have let everyone down.

Thinking.

I've been able to have a good hard think today as I'm mostly on the sofa or in bed due to a bad hip.

I've realised quite a few things, mainly that I'm finding it very hard to continue to be sober because I don't feel any better, sober.

I've tried moderation, recently, and managed to stop after a couple of glasses of wine, like normal people do.

But given all the shit storm of stress I live  with daily I'm not really surprised I don't actually feel a lot better, sober or moderating. 

I have lost the hangovers though!

And I've realized I've dropped my treats. I've stopped being kind to myself and I really do need to make time and space to be kind to me. Every single day.

So back on the treats. I'm eating a not quite defrosted brownie. Did you know being still slightly frozen adds an extra deliciousness to them? Chewy and sort of ice creamy?

Yum. My treat for a day sober, today, with a big pot of three mint tea.  

Drifting from my sober supports

I'm worried I'm starting to drift away from the mindset of being sober. I've had a few drinks when we have been out with friends eating a meal, which I enjoyed.

I haven't gone back to drinking at home, but was very close to buying wine last night.

 I've started re listening to sober podcasts and mentally reset my attitude this morning. I am so glad I didn't buy the wine but after so many days, virtually all of them sober, I had hoped I wouldn't need to be so vigilant, still? I am aware I've dropped the sober self care a lot and my life is still really shitty so really I should be doing more of it not less. Life stuff  is seriously affecting my sleep also.

So. Retreated to sofa with good food cats and TV after lunch. Husband next to me. Daughter home on half day and eating a good food lunch and being friendly.

I seem to be a slow learner about avoiding overwhelm, but I'm getting there.