Day 12 - the awful A word

Alcoholic. It's a brutal word, isn't it?

My father was an alcoholic. He died in his 60's unable to talk or walk, all his organs failing, STILL asking for a drink of whisky even on his death bed. The drink which had destroyed his physical and mental health, his marriage, his relationship with me and the rest of his family and with any person he ever was close to, which had taken all his money and sucked him dry. He died alone and lonely.

He was a "functioning" alcoholic. For many years he managed to keep a very senior job and appear sort of normal to the outside world. Living with him was hell, though and I escaped as soon as I could. He threw me out at 17 ( for doing nothing wrong, just for being there when he was angry and drunk) I left and didn't return for many years.

With the example of my father as an awful warning, why on earth did I also become so dependent on alcohol? Why did I let myself get to the point where I drank so much?

Well, to be honest  I didn't actually think of a genetic aspect to drinking at the time, also I didn't actually realize I had a problem at all until a few years ago.

I grew up with a father who drank whenever he was sad, happy, angry, ill - his default position was to turn to alcohol when he experienced ANY strong emotion. So I grew up with a role model who never showed me any acceptable method of self soothing. Dad didn't go for a run or have a bath or talk when he was stressed or upset; he drank and smoked and was abusive, mainly to my Mum and after she died, mainly to me.

As a result of all this and other shit stuff I had demons of my own a plenty, and so when I felt sad or mad or lonely or upset -  I used the coping tools I had learnt from Dad - I drank. An abuse survivor, I self medicated with alcohol to mask the rage and despair and deep seated unhappiness I carried within me, always.

I don't actually think Alcoholic is a useful word anyway- We have a stereotypical mental image of an alcoholic - *I* didn't sit on park benches all day, drinking from a bottle in a brown paper bag - I went to work, I did my job, I didn't have any convictions or DUI or fights or injuries ( well not major ones, anyway!) I still had my family and my house - so I must have not have been an alcoholic, must I?

Well, no, actually if drinking becomes a problem to you, then you have a drinking problem. Call it what you like, you have a problem. If how much you drink bothers you (even if it is very little!) and you find it hard to stop; if you find yourself thinking about drinking even when you are not drinking, then you have a drink problem.

I still don't think the word Alcoholic is very helpful, though - if you are NOT a stereotypical shambling smelly wreck, you will think you don't have a problem.

I was a high flying, well educated, clean, tidy, well dressed sometime drunk. I was still a drunk, though.

And now, I'm not.

Day 11 - busy day and a sober social outing

Woke up feeling very tired but I did have a solid 6 hours sleep despite not being able to actually fall asleep until 2 am. But a solid and refreshing 6 hours, where I did not wake up! Wonderful!

Today I had a lot of work to get through which I managed in good time. I felt irritated with a few people who were not pulling their weight, but I hope I hid it well. Everything got done and finished in time, anyway!

Later I had the first sober social event I have attended since giving up alcohol. From reading and various on line courses I have done I know that it is good to have advance plans for control or escape in place when attending a social event where there might be alcohol. So, I took an AF beer and some Fevertree tonic water with me so I knew I could have a drink of something AF. I also drove, so I could escape if I needed to.

I had a great time! I honestly did not crave a drink at all and was very happy with the evening.

First solo sober event done and dusted :)

Day 10 - feeling good

Today I woke up and I felt good :) Tired, but good. I feel optimistic and am planning ahead rather than just existing to get through another day.

I am trying to embrace my new sober life and feel good about it rather than deprived of drinking.  A lot of what I am doing is retraining my brain to accept new patterns of thought.

Planning my sober treat to mark 2 weeks sobriety.

Sober treats? Prawn cocktail for lunch, a new note book ( I have filled up the one I started new on Day 1!) a magazine with an expensive aromatherapy hand cream free inside :)

Day 9 - back to work

A slightly better night sleep last night and awake at 7 am. Did some sober reading and listened to various sober podcasts. I find doing this sets me up for the day, to be sober all day.

My skin looks so much better, clearer and more even. I feel calm, mentally sharper and a lot less anxious.

I am finding my days are much more productive now - I am back at work and coming up to a very busy phase with lots of workshops and seminars to run - I can't avoid doing these ( nor do I want to as I love my work)   but I do wish I had a bit less scheduled! I need to avoid overwhelm as much as I can.

Now finished the daily lessons from Belle and have moved onto a sober podcast each day accompanied by "homework" - today I had to see if I could let some one help me with something - a simple request but one I find very hard to do! Someone offered to carry my bags today and I accepted with thanks and a smile.

Sober treats today some new Rose shower gel and a sit by a river listening to a robin sing.

Day 8. Week 2 of the rest of my life

Took myself off to bedroom early evening before dinner for a think, a listen to Belle again and to have a think about why I lapsed the last few times, on the basis that if I can spot the signs I can avoid it happening again. I really do find listening to Belle helps enormously - her wise words and calming voice ( along with the swearing ;) ) really do resonate with me. 

I get a  pre lapse phase before I actually lapse. For me its around ten days before the actual lapse itself, where I start to drift away from doing my sober homework, stop listening to sober podcasts, stop reading the blogs, also my self esteem begins to plummet, I stay up late and don't get enough sleep, my self care drops off and I retreat from contact with other people. I become (in my mind) less likable to be with, and I dislike myself more and more. As my self esteem drops lower and lower I dislike myself more and more and I feel I don't deserve to be better - I deserve to be a drunken, slobby wreck, because that is how I  feel inside - broken, damaged.

In short all my sober self care goes out the window. And then I drink, to blot out how horrible I feel about myself.

Not this time. Lots of sober treats, self care, self love and making sure I look after myself. After all, if I don't look after me, why should anyone else? I am finally "getting it" I think - sober treats are a way for me to feel better about myself. Its NOT about the treats themselves its about caring enough about myself to treat myself kindly.

Day 7 and watching for overwhelm

I need to watch out for overwhelm. I have been very busy recently, was away at a conference yesterday which involved a very long drive there and back and I have lots to do this week

When I get tired and feel overwhelmed I want to drink wine. In the past I have either lapsed due to this or it has started off a bout of pre lapse behaviour which lead on to a lapse.

So. I had a lie in today, rather than going to my chosen sport all morning. I can do my sport when I am further into my sobriety.

While in bed doing my sober homework and writing stuff down in my journal I had a big think and realized that I am quite a secretive person. I don't like talking about myself to others and it is always on my terms when I "open up" to people. They think they are getting to know the "real me" but actually, they are not.

A lot of that I think stems from the guilt and shame I (misguidedly) felt about what had been done to me as a child (sexual and emotional abuse). I also felt I couldn't talk to anyone about it once I was an adult.

All of this is so wrong, of course, I know that now, but the habit of secrecy remains. And of course as a drinker we sometimes do very odd, secretive  stuff to hide the extent of our drinking - well I know I did (hiding extra bottles in the wardrobe, sneaking empties into supermarket recycling bins, anyone?)

Still, despite the pondering it was a good day, I got lots of stuff done around the house and garden, went for a swim later and I did not drink :)

Sober treats?  Lovely new perfume, a sauna at the gym and a lovely swim :)

Being sober makes everything else possible. Being drunk makes everything impossible.

Day 6 and dealing with discomfort.

Part of my whole "didn't learn to deal with emotions correctly" as a child manifests itself as discomfort dodging. I think I do  a lot of discomfort dodging! Sometimes this manifests as getting on with stuff so as not to be late or behind a task, which is helpful, but in the evening if I felt uncomfortable I would start to drink.

This is one reason why I have lapsed quite often, usually around Day 6 or 7. I get a few days sober going, then feel a twinge, the Wine Bitch calls and I get uncomfortable and then ...I drink.

Like anything involving new patterns of thinking or doing, I have to train myself out of unwise patterns of behaviour.

So, when I get the urge to drink because I feel discomfort, I have a choice.
I could drink (NO!)
I could avoid the situation I am in, I could control the situation or I could escape it.
Or ..I could sit out the discomfort, noting it " oh, that's not comfortable" but not acting on it one way or another.

I favour the latter choice. Headspace has taught me it is a powerful tool!

Today, I went away to a conference, had a lot of fun and I did not drink :) I was tempted in the garage on the way home to buy wine but I paid for the fuel,  then almost ran out of the place and got into my car and listened to  Belle One Minute Message 6 and Day 6 audio lesson and read a few sober blogs (see sidebar  > ) until the urge passed.

I CAN do this :)

Sober treats today. Chatting  to friends, a lovely lunch, a walk in a garden, time to myself

Day 5. A sober Fri.

I woke up after a slightly better night sleep but still very early. As I couldn't sleep again I used the time to do my sober homework reading and listen to today's audio lessons.

I worked out some coping strategies for when the Wine Bitch starts to tell me how rubbish I am at stuff and how I am bound to fail to stay sober. Fuck you WB, I now have a list! A plan! And I'm not afraid to use it on you! ( I love a good list :) )

It includes, buying or otherwise getting small cheap sober treats each day ( a nice herb tea or real coffee in the garden)  listening to the robin sing, books, dvd's or downloaded films or box sets, going swimming, having time to properly cleanse my face with lovely smelling stuff, a home manicure, a soak in a hot bath with candles, a cuddle from my husband, my cat sitting on me more ( she didn't like the smell of wine I think!)  a trip to the shops to browse and then a (cheapish) lunch out - I actually made a sandwich and a flask today, took them with me and went and sat by the river in nearby Big Town and watched the ducks in between shopping stuff. :)

I have maladaptive coping strategies when bad stuff happens to or around me. I CAN learn to experience emotions, sober. I CAN find other, better, more healthy ways of coping with life. Rather than pouring the "rotting by-product of grapes" down my throat every night..

When was the last time I ever woke up feeling regret I wasn't hungover? Never

Once I went beyond light social occasional drinking, (30 plus years ago!) I always regretted drinking next morning. Always.

Did I mention waking up hangover free is marvelous?  Well, it is :)

So today I went shopping, then swimming and had a massage late afternoon - it was wonderful. Home to family, cats on the sofa and daft tv. Bed early.

Sober treats? The whole day :) I have also planned out a list of sober treats for the next week, some each day. Day 7 is some perfume :)

Day 4, internal pitfalls and the Wine Bitch nagging.

Still very tired but woke up to feeling calmer and NO HANGOVER! That never, ever gets old, trust me :) I do have a stomach upset, though :(

My sober care routine first thing is to write my sober journal with  daily affirmations ( which boil down to - don't drink today, be kind to myself, lots of sober treats, Headspace, rest and take lots of water and a good diet and vitamins.)

Thinking about how I got like this, I really did not learn how to self sooth at the critical age as a child - I had a very bad example in my father ( alcoholic, abusive, shouty bully) and my mother died when I was 10. I grew up seeing Dad bully and bluster and drink and shout his way through all emotions. Or lock them down.

I don't shout a lot, I am not ( I hope!) a bully but I did drink as a way of managing emotions.  I also have had some mental health issues to do with all the past crap stuff and yes used alcohol to self medicate as a (poor) way to deal with my pain

Meditation and counselling have helped with the MH stuff to the point where I am able to get on with my life, largely unaffected by past events (except when triggered by something in the media, unexpectedly)

Not drinking and learning to actually experience and face emotions, sober, is the next thing to do, which is why I liken it to growing plants. Plant a seed, nurture it and watch it grow....

Fuck you Wine Bitch,  I will NOT listen to your nagging. Go away. I choose a sober treat

Today these were Fevertree tonic, a home manicure and spa bath, a swim at the local gym, a good book, a cat on my lap, a cuddle from my family.

Day 3, bitches, witches and wolves

Woke up after very little sleep and did some sober homework from 7 - 9 am in bed.

Read the MOB email for today,  also listened to Sober Sassy Playbook audios from Jackie and Belle's lesson for today - an audio message lasting around 10 mins. I find audios go straight into my brain, especially using headphones so I can't hear any other sound from around me.

Today's lessons made me think about ways to cope with cravings ( avoid, control or escape them) and also I examined what sort of drinker I am so I can plan to avoid, control or escape more easily. it also gave me lots to think about around the whole issue of sober treats. I also had some uncomfortable musings about the role alcohol had in my family as a default coping mechanism.

I have not done much in the way of sober treats, before - mainly because I feel uncomfortable with the concept of rewarding my self, especially for doing something I really SHOULD be able to just do with no effort. I got myself into this mess of drinking too much - why should I get treats as a reward to extricate myself from the hole *I* have dug?

But I do have to admit I am finding things a tiny bit easier this time - not sure if that is because I have built up a good selection of sober tools and have added in more this time, or if I am finally getting the idea that sober treats are a good idea, not a self indulgent reward for what I perceive to be poor choices and poor behaviour ( ie my drinking habits) After all, I am only doing something I really ought to be able to do, anyway? So why the fuck should I get sober treats for doing it?

So goes my mind, anyway - which I  now realize is my addict brain talking to try to make me feel bad ( and therefore drink - ha!)

Addict brain aka the Wine Witch or Wolfie or the Wine Bitch, depending on which blog you read.

I like the term Wine Bitch, as actually I like wolves., and witches ... :)

Headspace is helping to calm my brain chatter and improve my mood - 142 consecutive days today :)

Sober treats today - Found my replacement drink - fizzy water and PLJ, had a coffee in a nice cafe while out; chocolate, a bunch of flowers from the market.

Day 2

Felt very tired but could not sleep last night so today I am shattered this morning. Feeling shame and self loathing at my past behaviour. Not very productive I know and I am doing my best to think differently, but it is hard. 

A positive - no hangover, no fuzzy head or nasty taste in mouth when I woke up although I do feel pretty ill.

I wrote in my journal first thing my daily goals ( Don't drink, sober care, read and listen to the various daily lessons and be kind to myself with sober treats) 

I have done months without drinking, Dry January, Sober for October, Dry July, giving up when getting fit and losing weight etc BUT as soon as I start drinking again, within a day or two I am straight back to the same levels (worryingly high, to me) as I was drinking before.

Unlike other people around me, I seem to have no "off" switch; no ability to moderate. I really can't understand how/why people just have one drink? What is the point in that? I have one and want a bottle. Or two. Even if I don't actually drink any more,  I want to, all the time.

So tired of it all, the endless mental chatter about "is there more is the house" "If I drink more will I be able to function tomorrow" "Am I getting my "fair share" of the bottle"? So exhausting and so much of my energy is taken up with all that crap, rather than getting on with my life.

Later on in the afternoon

I am lucky I am self employed and scheduled a quiet week this week! I spent several hours today on and off working through all the sober homework, Club Soda MOB, Sober Sassy Life, listening to Belle's lesson and reading her book and really thinking about my answers  -  I filled 10 sides of the journal!

Trying not to feel like I am wasting time or money doing this - if it helps me stay sober it is an investment of time and money  - an investment in me and my future.

I fear if I don't stop drinking I may not have much of a future. I am/was pretty high functioning at the moment (I get on with jobs, my work, family stuff, had no DUI charges, no injuries due to alcohol, no major scenes anywhere with friends, marriage still ok) but I just know that if I continue to drink, the only way will be down. I have seen several family members go down that route and it is horrifying. And as I can't seem to control my drinking that means I have to stop drinking completely.

I started this blog as part of my recovery process. Just for my benefit - I keep a detailed written journal but I also like blogging ( I have several blogs under my real name) so I thought, why not? Do NOT intend to make this open for public viewing, though!

Sober treat for Day 2? 
Rest, a bath, nice herb tea, a walk in the sunshine, a scented candle I had been saving for "later", I downloaded a new book and read some of it. I went to bed early last night and did my usual meditation ( badly - too many thoughts swirling through my head!) using Headspace. I am on Day 140 of Headspace and it has really helped me a lot but I hope to gain even more mental clarity by stopping drinking.

Bedtime
I feel pretty grim tbh. I feel sweaty and anxious and unwell, I really really want to drink red wine. There isn't any in the house. I have a terrible headache despite drinking loads of water and a very nasty taste in my mouth. I know its just my body detoxing. I did not drink today. I will not drink today. I just need to keep on not drinking. That is the most important thing. Not drinking. 

Giving up alcohol, Day 1, again.

So how did I get to this point, where I want to give up alcohol?


I realized some years ago I had a slight problem with drinking, not the amount of wine I drank then, so much as the fact that once I started drinking wine, I didn't want to stop. Although I did stop, I wanted to keep on going.

Gradually the amount I drank increased. Always with my husband (then!) never on my own, but sometimes more than I really felt I wanted to, or was good for me, or later on, that I could afford. And I frequently initiated the drinking - I suggested the bottle of wine with dinner, I suggested the night cap before bed.

Then a couple of years ago I was hospitalized (not related to alcohol) nearly died and stopped drinking for 8 weeks while I recovered from the injury and post injury illness. I realized recently that this was the longest I had gone without drinking, apart from pregnancies, since I was 16.

Since then, in the last two years I have tried to moderate my drinking. I have cut down or stopped drinking quite a few times. I have had more dry days than drinking days in the last 700 days. but even so I realized I spent SO MUCH mental effort on thinking about not drinking and I am tired of the endless mental chatter.

 After a period of mostly sobriety and moderation over the summer I lapsed big time in the last few days and felt really out of control. So I now have shame to add into that mental chatter toxic brew. Shame at my my lack of self control.
I'm so tired of all this. There has to be another way!  I've had enough of the drink, drunk, regret, repeat cycle.

In the last year I have joined various online support groups (Club Soda MOB, Sober Sassy Life,Tired of thinking about drinking, Soberistas etc) and I have been reading lots of sober blogs and joining in with on line support threads, which has helped me to re frame my thinking about drinking and to stop drinking for lengthy periods of time, but I STILL went back to the wine, eventually!

So, I am on Day 1, again. I feel sweaty and ill and hungover and ashamed. I ache all over both physically and emotionally. This morning I took vitamins and had a shower and washed my hair. Symbolic of a new start - a clean body. I drank lots of water and plan to drink lots more and rest.

This time around I am trying something different in addition to these other online sober support ideas, adding an extra layer of sober tools provided by Belle from Tired of thinking about drinking. I joined her Sober JumpStart course and I have committed to 100 days sober

Belle suggests lots of self care and sober treats as well as providing audio lessons each day for the first week and then daily audio support in the form of podcasts. What with these, the daily emails from Club Soda and similar stuff from Jackie at Sober Sassy Life to read and act upon, I have a lot of sober homework to keep me occupied. 

So, I have filled in a baseline assessment from Club Soda MOB of how I feel in various areas (not great, tbh!) I have started a new sober journal ( I do love a new notebook!) For sober treats I have got a few alternative drinks sorted if I need them, some books to read and box sets loaded on my tablet to catch up with, in case I can't sleep tonight. I know my life is so so much better without alcohol. I have a voice in my head that says "drink now". By drinking I feed that voice. if I stop maybe the voice will go away? I do hope so.

Here is the 100 day challenge I have signed up to with Belle

Dear Belle“I will not drink for 100 days. No matter what. I can cry, but I will not drink. I can go to bed or go home early. I might feel distressed ... but I will not drink. Bad things might happen, but I will not drink. Incredibly shitty things may happen to someone around me, or my neighbour, or my friend’s friend’s grandmother. But there will be no booze. Funerals? Weddings? Amputation? I’m not drinking for 100 days no matter what happens … No matter what.”
love, Sober Sarah xxx