Day 12 - the awful A word

Alcoholic. It's a brutal word, isn't it?

My father was an alcoholic. He died in his 60's unable to talk or walk, all his organs failing, STILL asking for a drink of whisky even on his death bed. The drink which had destroyed his physical and mental health, his marriage, his relationship with me and the rest of his family and with any person he ever was close to, which had taken all his money and sucked him dry. He died alone and lonely.

He was a "functioning" alcoholic. For many years he managed to keep a very senior job and appear sort of normal to the outside world. Living with him was hell, though and I escaped as soon as I could. He threw me out at 17 ( for doing nothing wrong, just for being there when he was angry and drunk) I left and didn't return for many years.

With the example of my father as an awful warning, why on earth did I also become so dependent on alcohol? Why did I let myself get to the point where I drank so much?

Well, to be honest  I didn't actually think of a genetic aspect to drinking at the time, also I didn't actually realize I had a problem at all until a few years ago.

I grew up with a father who drank whenever he was sad, happy, angry, ill - his default position was to turn to alcohol when he experienced ANY strong emotion. So I grew up with a role model who never showed me any acceptable method of self soothing. Dad didn't go for a run or have a bath or talk when he was stressed or upset; he drank and smoked and was abusive, mainly to my Mum and after she died, mainly to me.

As a result of all this and other shit stuff I had demons of my own a plenty, and so when I felt sad or mad or lonely or upset -  I used the coping tools I had learnt from Dad - I drank. An abuse survivor, I self medicated with alcohol to mask the rage and despair and deep seated unhappiness I carried within me, always.

I don't actually think Alcoholic is a useful word anyway- We have a stereotypical mental image of an alcoholic - *I* didn't sit on park benches all day, drinking from a bottle in a brown paper bag - I went to work, I did my job, I didn't have any convictions or DUI or fights or injuries ( well not major ones, anyway!) I still had my family and my house - so I must have not have been an alcoholic, must I?

Well, no, actually if drinking becomes a problem to you, then you have a drinking problem. Call it what you like, you have a problem. If how much you drink bothers you (even if it is very little!) and you find it hard to stop; if you find yourself thinking about drinking even when you are not drinking, then you have a drink problem.

I still don't think the word Alcoholic is very helpful, though - if you are NOT a stereotypical shambling smelly wreck, you will think you don't have a problem.

I was a high flying, well educated, clean, tidy, well dressed sometime drunk. I was still a drunk, though.

And now, I'm not.