Fifty days of Sober treats

I have been rereading round sober blogs again, to celebrate my 50 days of sobriety :)

And I came across a post on Belle's blog about someone who was resisting the idea of sober treats as rewards.

This sounds exactly like the sort of thinking I used to do. When I kept trying, and failing, to stay sober.

Even though I had lots of other sober tools in my toolbox and used them, I didn’t think the sober treat idea was worth trying, actually tbh I rejected it out of hand at first (because I told myself I could buy stuff when I wanted etc)

 Also, in my mind was the thought that it was a crap idea and what kind of useless person needs treats to get them to stop drinking ffs? A broken one who wouldn’t succeed anyway, that’s who.

However, once I embraced the idea of sober treats I stayed sober, for long stretches of time.

It wasn’t the treats, as such, that made the big difference (lovely though they are!) it was changing my mindset to one of “I’m worth it, I deserve treats and self care and self love. And even if other people can stop drinking without sober treats, I can’t. This works for me so I’ll do it”

But even though I was using the whole reward/treat idea, I didn't really deep down believe I was worthy of treats. I still thought, in my heart of hearts, that I was damaged, and broken and not worthy of such things. So having them made me feel a fraud.

After several years of fabulous counselling, I finally (finally!) have begun to believe I AM worthy of treats and rewards and for nice things to happen. I do not deserve to have a shitty life, I did not deserve any of the bad things that were done to me by others and I do not deserve to feel dreadful all the time.

So Fuck You Wolfie, I’m on Day 50 now thanks to Belle, and Jackie, and Annie, and Kate and Holly and Lisa and all the books and other online support, oh and LOTS and LOTS of sober treats!

 So, there you have it - this sums up why this time around things are feeling different. Sober treats and lots of them - but it's not the actual treats it's the change in my mind set that I am worth treating. I am not broken, I am not damaged, I am worthy of love, both self love and love from those around me. And why would I want to poison myself, when I love myself?

I get lots of love from my DH, and my friends but I have always, deep down, felt unworthy of it (probably due to my damaged childhood and the abuse I endured as a teen and young adult)

Well, no longer. I am beginning to feel worthy of love and it starts with loving myself :)

Day 13 - mood modification

I've been thinking. What if being kind to myself and treating myself when I feel sad is normal?

What if that is what normally adjusted people do? If they feel sad or upset, they do something to alter their sad mood and cheer themselves up like call a friend or have a nice bath or go for a swim or sit and cuddle a cat by the fire?

What if that is normal behaviour,  rather than opening a bottle of  fermented by product of rotting grapes, pouring it into a glass and drinking it to alter the sad mood?

That is what I have to re learn. How to alter my mood without alcohol. If I feel down I need to be kind to myself, to make myself feel better. NOT drink something that will make me feel a lot worse.

Sober treats today - a visit to a literary event. New books. The ability to drive wherever I want and not worry if I am still over the limit. I never was but I always worried ( obsessively) about this.