Took myself off to bedroom early evening before dinner for a think, a listen to Belle again and to have a think about why I lapsed the last few times, on the basis that if I can spot the signs I can avoid it happening again. I really do find listening to Belle helps enormously - her wise words and calming voice ( along with the swearing ;) ) really do resonate with me.
I get a pre lapse phase before I actually lapse. For me its around ten days before the actual lapse itself, where I start to drift away from doing my sober homework, stop listening to sober podcasts, stop reading the blogs, also my self esteem begins to plummet, I stay up late and don't get enough sleep, my self care drops off and I retreat from contact with other people. I become (in my mind) less likable to be with, and I dislike myself more and more. As my self esteem drops lower and lower I dislike myself more and more and I feel I don't deserve to be better - I deserve to be a drunken, slobby wreck, because that is how I feel inside - broken, damaged.
In short all my sober self care goes out the window. And then I drink, to blot out how horrible I feel about myself.
Not this time. Lots of sober treats, self care, self love and making sure I look after myself. After all, if I don't look after me, why should anyone else? I am finally "getting it" I think - sober treats are a way for me to feel better about myself. Its NOT about the treats themselves its about caring enough about myself to treat myself kindly.
I get a pre lapse phase before I actually lapse. For me its around ten days before the actual lapse itself, where I start to drift away from doing my sober homework, stop listening to sober podcasts, stop reading the blogs, also my self esteem begins to plummet, I stay up late and don't get enough sleep, my self care drops off and I retreat from contact with other people. I become (in my mind) less likable to be with, and I dislike myself more and more. As my self esteem drops lower and lower I dislike myself more and more and I feel I don't deserve to be better - I deserve to be a drunken, slobby wreck, because that is how I feel inside - broken, damaged.
In short all my sober self care goes out the window. And then I drink, to blot out how horrible I feel about myself.
Not this time. Lots of sober treats, self care, self love and making sure I look after myself. After all, if I don't look after me, why should anyone else? I am finally "getting it" I think - sober treats are a way for me to feel better about myself. Its NOT about the treats themselves its about caring enough about myself to treat myself kindly.
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