Fifty days of Sober treats

I have been rereading round sober blogs again, to celebrate my 50 days of sobriety :)

And I came across a post on Belle's blog about someone who was resisting the idea of sober treats as rewards.

This sounds exactly like the sort of thinking I used to do. When I kept trying, and failing, to stay sober.

Even though I had lots of other sober tools in my toolbox and used them, I didn’t think the sober treat idea was worth trying, actually tbh I rejected it out of hand at first (because I told myself I could buy stuff when I wanted etc)

 Also, in my mind was the thought that it was a crap idea and what kind of useless person needs treats to get them to stop drinking ffs? A broken one who wouldn’t succeed anyway, that’s who.

However, once I embraced the idea of sober treats I stayed sober, for long stretches of time.

It wasn’t the treats, as such, that made the big difference (lovely though they are!) it was changing my mindset to one of “I’m worth it, I deserve treats and self care and self love. And even if other people can stop drinking without sober treats, I can’t. This works for me so I’ll do it”

But even though I was using the whole reward/treat idea, I didn't really deep down believe I was worthy of treats. I still thought, in my heart of hearts, that I was damaged, and broken and not worthy of such things. So having them made me feel a fraud.

After several years of fabulous counselling, I finally (finally!) have begun to believe I AM worthy of treats and rewards and for nice things to happen. I do not deserve to have a shitty life, I did not deserve any of the bad things that were done to me by others and I do not deserve to feel dreadful all the time.

So Fuck You Wolfie, I’m on Day 50 now thanks to Belle, and Jackie, and Annie, and Kate and Holly and Lisa and all the books and other online support, oh and LOTS and LOTS of sober treats!

 So, there you have it - this sums up why this time around things are feeling different. Sober treats and lots of them - but it's not the actual treats it's the change in my mind set that I am worth treating. I am not broken, I am not damaged, I am worthy of love, both self love and love from those around me. And why would I want to poison myself, when I love myself?

I get lots of love from my DH, and my friends but I have always, deep down, felt unworthy of it (probably due to my damaged childhood and the abuse I endured as a teen and young adult)

Well, no longer. I am beginning to feel worthy of love and it starts with loving myself :)

Day 17 - Book festival.

Today I drove to a festival, met some good friends and listened to authors talk about their books. I had lunch in a pub and drank fizzy water and coffee. I had a fabulous time and bought lots of books which I got signed by the authors.

If I were still drinking I would not have been able to do this - I would not have got up early enough; I might still have been under the influence of alcohol so I would not have driven my car to the event; if I had been sober enough to drive I would have still worried all day about not being ok to drive and spoiled the day out for myself. I would not have had the money spare to buy the tickets or the books, because I had drunk it all. Etc, etc.

Sobriety, the gift that keeps on giving :)

Day 8. Week 2 of the rest of my life

Took myself off to bedroom early evening before dinner for a think, a listen to Belle again and to have a think about why I lapsed the last few times, on the basis that if I can spot the signs I can avoid it happening again. I really do find listening to Belle helps enormously - her wise words and calming voice ( along with the swearing ;) ) really do resonate with me. 

I get a  pre lapse phase before I actually lapse. For me its around ten days before the actual lapse itself, where I start to drift away from doing my sober homework, stop listening to sober podcasts, stop reading the blogs, also my self esteem begins to plummet, I stay up late and don't get enough sleep, my self care drops off and I retreat from contact with other people. I become (in my mind) less likable to be with, and I dislike myself more and more. As my self esteem drops lower and lower I dislike myself more and more and I feel I don't deserve to be better - I deserve to be a drunken, slobby wreck, because that is how I  feel inside - broken, damaged.

In short all my sober self care goes out the window. And then I drink, to blot out how horrible I feel about myself.

Not this time. Lots of sober treats, self care, self love and making sure I look after myself. After all, if I don't look after me, why should anyone else? I am finally "getting it" I think - sober treats are a way for me to feel better about myself. Its NOT about the treats themselves its about caring enough about myself to treat myself kindly.