An update, with some good news.

So, I lapsed, re started, lapsed, re started throughout the Summer. 10 days sober, then drank for a day, never much but still ...then 15 days sober,, then drank for  weekend. Drink, drunk, repent, repeat. We know how that goes.

Stress has been sky high and that's my trigger to lapse, not enough self care going on. It's hard to up self care and treats when you feel you don't deserve them. Not an excuse though.

But in August, after a really bad period where my thoughts turned darker and darker,  I finally sought help for what I now know is the effects of an extended period of abuse in my childhood, teens and early twenties, which has left me with complex PTSD.

I've had some councelling for the sexual aspects, and I'm on the waiting list for specialist PTSD help.

My mood is slowly improving, although my sleep is still very disturbed.

I'm back to blogging here although I have so much writing to do with my councelling it's hard to find time to do so. Maybe I'll put some of that work on here someday, but not, just yet as it's just too raw at the moment.

If you've been reading this, then thanks :)

Two weeks sobriety

This is the longest length of sobriety I've managed to put together since I first lapsed earlier this year :)

I feel so much happier. I've upped my levels of self care, I now reward myself multiple times daily for being sober (I've reframed a lot of things I do anyway, so they have become sober rewards ;) ) and it does seem to be making a difference. I am also taking some herbal anti anxiety medication, which is helping quite a not. Sleep is beginning to improve in quality if not quantity.

I still can't change the shit storm of stuff all around me (unless I abandon my home, family and work) but I can change the way I react to it.
Onwards and upwards!

A week of sobriety

Hurrah! A whole week of sobriety done!

I've had so many lapses recently, started Day 1, got to Day 2 or 3 or maybe even Day 4, then lapsed again.

The last few months have been really really horrible and I have been self medicating with wine. Not much. Not often. But still.

 I've been reverting back to my old patterns of behaviour and tbh it scared the shit out of me how easily I could have just slid into drinking a lot.

The desire was still there, even if I didn't act on it.

MUCH quieter in my head today :)

Starting over

Its been a mixed and somewhat disappointing month since I last posted.

As you've probably already guessed I've not been sober. Not drunk,  but not sober.

I've "only" had a glass or two, rather than a bottle, which is progress of a sort, but I keep getting to Day 3 or 5 then thinking "fuck it " and having one drink.

I don't want to even drink that little. It makes me feel ill and sad. I don't want to feel like that any more.

So. Reflecting on how I can add to my sober tools and what I can do differently this time.

The problem with sugar

Sugar is really bad stuff. As are processed carbs, which turn to sugar in the body.
All carbs do but at least with brown rice/veggies you are getting lots of other good stuff – not so sugar or white flour etc.

I had terrible candida overgrowth for many many years and some serious physical symptoms as a result, and once I cracked that I found my craving for alcohol actually subsided a lot.

One of the reasons I lapsed last week (I suspect) was that I had fallen off the low carb way of eating I had been doing for several years (with a lot of weight loss as a result) I was away a lot and under a lot of stress and had to eat food prepared for me to a large extent. So I ended up eating a lot of cakes, biscuits and processed carbs. The Candida symptoms came back (not nice!) and then when faced with alcohol I just drank it. And not even alcohol of a “nice” sort but sweet and sickly and not what I would normally go for.

So, I'm back on the low carb way of eating as I know it nourishes me and makes me feel better in myself.

I know the advice is that any kind of diet or exercise plan is not a good idea in early sobriety, but I do feel there is a difference between getting back to sobriety after a lapse for an evening now and then, when over  150 plus days in total are under my belt, and trying to diet AND give up alcohol for the first time.

And one of the things I had let slip ( along with the low carb way of eating!) was self care. I had stopped looking after me. And I now recognise I HAVE to look after me and build up my self esteem in order to stay sober and happy, and as well as sober treats  that includes keeping my insulin levels nice and stable by not eating a load of carbs.

Lapsed, sad.

Well, I knew I was in pre lapse, I saw the warning signs, I did something about them but not enough, as yesterday I had a drink :)

I've taken time out today to rest and read and listen to Belle sober podcasts and read some of your blogs. I have been overwhelmed with work and stuff this week and felt fear of under delivery at work.

 I've called a halt to this and said I can't now deliver stuff  next week, it will have to be next month. Client not happy but accepting.

I'm still not well, my back and hip are not going to get better and its chronic and not going to improve. I'm so stressed with all the stuff in my life which is hard to change, so why on earth do I continue to add to the huge pile of ongoing stress by adding alcohol to all my other problems?

Feel very despondent that I had a couple of ginger beers yesterday. The first one was unknowing and unintentional, but I chose to drink the second one.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day, hopefully a sober one as well.

I do feel I have let everyone down.

Thinking.

I've been able to have a good hard think today as I'm mostly on the sofa or in bed due to a bad hip.

I've realised quite a few things, mainly that I'm finding it very hard to continue to be sober because I don't feel any better, sober.

I've tried moderation, recently, and managed to stop after a couple of glasses of wine, like normal people do.

But given all the shit storm of stress I live  with daily I'm not really surprised I don't actually feel a lot better, sober or moderating. 

I have lost the hangovers though!

And I've realized I've dropped my treats. I've stopped being kind to myself and I really do need to make time and space to be kind to me. Every single day.

So back on the treats. I'm eating a not quite defrosted brownie. Did you know being still slightly frozen adds an extra deliciousness to them? Chewy and sort of ice creamy?

Yum. My treat for a day sober, today, with a big pot of three mint tea.  

Drifting from my sober supports

I'm worried I'm starting to drift away from the mindset of being sober. I've had a few drinks when we have been out with friends eating a meal, which I enjoyed.

I haven't gone back to drinking at home, but was very close to buying wine last night.

 I've started re listening to sober podcasts and mentally reset my attitude this morning. I am so glad I didn't buy the wine but after so many days, virtually all of them sober, I had hoped I wouldn't need to be so vigilant, still? I am aware I've dropped the sober self care a lot and my life is still really shitty so really I should be doing more of it not less. Life stuff  is seriously affecting my sleep also.

So. Retreated to sofa with good food cats and TV after lunch. Husband next to me. Daughter home on half day and eating a good food lunch and being friendly.

I seem to be a slow learner about avoiding overwhelm, but I'm getting there.

Tough times

I can't pretend its been easy the last few weeks. Lots of horrible horrible stress which has nothing to do with alcohol and lots to do with a family issue which is not going to get a lot better, until it gets a lot worse :(

BUT it is NOT the sort of issue where me drinking will make it better.
So I have not.

Today I saw a comment on a Mumsnet  thread which asked about going to AA. The reply was

I have been to precisely 3 AA meetings, ever, and all in the first week. They just didn't "chime" with me.  Just do whatever helps YOU stay sober! If a tool doesn't work, add a different one and USE IT not just look at it. Lots of sober treats for getting through an hour, a day, a week. Reward yourself for doing a really hard thing FOR PEOPLE LIKE US. Podcasts, books, running, sleeping, cake, talking,. Whatever it takes.

Just because others can just not drink does not mean we can. We find it hard. We think about not drinking. We try to "moderate" It's hard. I have found the best thing is to just Not Drink. 

And that, I think, sums it all up.

Progress

I'm feeling a little fragile today.  Discovering that alcometer left me a little shaken. As it triggered a bout of examining lots of past stuff which I found a bit distressing.

Not done to beat myself up and all ultimately good to go through, but today I feel a bit raw.

So, what to do?

My previous self would have had some wine to numb the pain.

The newer version of me, the more sober one, the healthier one, has recognised I'm feeling, how I'm feeling. I've let myself experience being sad for a bit, then I went for a walk, I did some meditation,  had a nap for half an hour,  I read a book for a bit, I had a cup of tea and I cuddled one of the cats.

Later I'm going to have a bath with lots of essential oils and when I get out I'm going to smother myself in body lotion and then go to bed and read and listen to pod casts from the sober world.

Progress. This is healthy progress :)

De - cluttering and clearing out

Spent some time  over the weekend  de cluttering and putting stuff ready for charity shop/recycling.

Guess what I found hidden in a wardrobe at the back?

 An alcometer. I actually bought a  digital alcometer at some point in the distant (drinking) past.  I remember, once I found it, that I got it when the rules changed and you had to have one in the car to drive in the EU? And the price of each of the disposable ones was high and when I saw this digital one on offer  it seemed like a good idea to get a re usable one ...

Wtaf? What was I thinking? Did it never occur to me that the best and only way to ensure I was not DUI of alcohol at any point, was to NOT FUCKING DRINK THE NIGHT  BEFORE! And to just have one disposable alcometer in the car to comply with EU law?

What kind of addict, Wolfie brained thinking, was this?
Actually don't answer that. Because I know exactly what kind of thinking it was.

Even now ( even now, after 3 months  sobriety and a couple of years of mostly being sober) when I found it and thought  "just shouldn't have drunk the night before" that voice (Wolfie, Belle calls it)  popped up and whispered "shouldn't have drunk TOO MUCH the night before, but, you know, you could always have just had a few and then stopped"

Well fuck you Wolfie no I could not, as that is  how I got into this mess in the first place!

I have no idea when I bought this gadget, must have been several years ago as that was when I went abroad with the car. Don't think I ever even used it apart from to check it worked.  And when I tried to think about it yesterday, Wolfie snuck in again with " well shows how responsible you were that you thought about the consequences and did something about it to avoid driving if you were still under the influence"

Fuck you again Wolfie! No! It shows how messed in the head I was, that I would ever even contemplate that it was a good idea to drink so much the night before that I had to check if I was sober enough to drive the next day. 

(N.B I have never actually driven under the influence, if anything I was always over cautious about not driving until there was no possibility of being over the legal limit to drive - to the detriment of my ability to go places, sometimes.) 

I am shocked at finding this gadget and at my (now) obvious addict thinking. Truly shocked. I have done a few things I'm not proud while drinking, but I think this is really my rock bottom moment.

However, it's good that I feel so shocked at myself and immediately recognize, now,  how wrong thinking I was,  then. So well done me :)

Despite this shock am glad to report I didn't find any other nasty surprises - no empties or half full bottles of wine stashed away. Thank God!

De cluttering is good. A metaphor for what I am doing right now with my emotions and thoughts!

A sober New Year Eve :)

Well that was interesting :)

A sober NYE, for the first time in many years :)

We don't go in for parties or stuff here anyway - used to in our youth but have not done so for many many years. However, NYE would always been "seen in" by at least one bottle of wine, possibly more.

This year, DH had a can of beer and later a small whisky - I had fizzy water and then a glass of AF sparkling white wine (Sainsbuys - it was very nice!)

We spent a lot of the evening talking, and I mean really talking, about the problems we have been having as a couple, as well as the other things we are currently having to deal with (which are of course making our relationship issues much worse due to the stress). It was really helpful to talk about our hopes and fears and worries in an honest and calm manner. There were smiles and tears and a lot of shared memories.

We both concluded we still love each other, still value our relationship and want to make it work, which is a relief!

Maybe we need some counselling, maybe we just need to sort out the external problems - but at least we are talking again and not just getting upset and angry with each other. And both of us are agreed that we will jointly and separately seek some counselling if things don't improve within a few weeks.

Best start to 2017 I could have hoped for :) Sober and still married :)