Day 110, and a touch of post goal wobbles.

I had a significant wobble yesterday, it was my DH's birthday and #1 Son (who has returned to live with us due to lockdown, a whole source of stress in itself) had bought him a bottle of wine as a present.

DH hasn't had any wine since Christmas, he isn't a huge drinker anyway, has the odd beer now and then and tbh most of his drinking in the past was instigated by me and my desire to drink.

Anyway, Son kept on at him to open the bottle with dinner, so DH opened the wine and he and Son had one glass, with dinner. And oh, how I wanted some! It was a bottle of wine that previously was my favourite, an Australian strong, full bodied Shiraz.

I felt like having a full blown it's-not-fair-I-want-some-too toddler tantrum, rolling around in the floor, drumming my heels and wailing.

It was such a strong feeling. I really felt very sad and low at the thought that I couldn't have any, ever again.

And there were other strands to my feelings as well as just being pissed off that I couldn't have some wine. Which are probably the real reasons why I felt so very irked.

I'm pissed off that adult Son *knows* I've given up drinking, knows some of the struggles I've had with alcohol in the past yet still chose to gift his father a bottle of MY favourite wine (not  his father's favourite drink, as that would have been a bottle of single malt!)

I'm pissed off that we have one of our adult children living in our house, which we did not expect to have ever again, who is behaving like a lazy teen, and refusing to do anything to help us. This has caused tension, he could have stayed in his own flat in the city, but came to stay here, unannounced, the day before lockdown, without asking us first. Obviously, if he'd asked, we would have said yes, but he should have asked us, first. And he's not helping in any way unless we ask, and then he makes a scene about it and does things as sloppily as he can get away with. And I'm now trying to eek out our supplies between three of us, rather than the two people I calculated the food stocks for.

I'm pissed off that DH didn't just put the bottle away (I recognise this one is irrational!)

I'm pissed off that there is now an opened bottle of wine in the cupboard which I now am giving headspace to, and having to expend energy thinking about not drinking it.

I'm just pissed off at everything, tbh.

Day 110 today.

100 days 😊

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

I am so happy today ( despite recovering from a vile chest infection that's been making me feel really unwell, not sure if it was COVID-19 or not, but have been self isolating  in my room just in case)

I've been trying to put together a solid block of sober time for several years now, but as you know, if you have read this blog, I have struggled with dealing with both past and current problems.

I could put together 30, 60 days sober and then more stress would come along and I would lapse, again. I nearly always jumped back straight onto sobriety but doing another day 1 was so demoralising.

Then came the horrors of 2019 and everything got a lot worse, in every way.

So I decided, enough was enough. I couldn't live like that any more. I had a simple choice, I had to stop drinking.

This time round, with Belle's 100 day challenge and Sober Jumpstart course, with Jackie Elliott's 100 days to your Fabulous Sober Life course, with Annie Grace's 30 day The Alcohol Experiment, with Club Soda the Month off Booze, with Kate Bee's The Sober School Getting Unstuck six week course, and with other help and support from books, online, my counsellor and my husband,

I've done it.✨ 100 days sober today. ✨

I have learnt to be kinder to myself, to treat myself for each sober day that passed, to just not drink and have faith that each day I would feel better, or at least no worse!

To believe that I deserve to be happy and healthy and feel mentally and physically well.

I've saved SO much money, despite spending lots of it on meaningful, memorable treats and rewards (and a lot of coffee and chocolate!)

My skin and hair and nails look great, and I've coincidentally lost a bit of weight, although I'm not worrying about that at the moment.

With each sober day that passed I have felt a little bit better, a little bit stronger, a little bit more like the old me, before alcohol began to rob all the joy out of my life.

And now, I feel SO MUCH BETTER!

Here's to the next 💯 days :)

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉