Thinking about drinking?

I had a muse and this is what came out.

Why would I want to throw away all the great stuff I have learned and done in the last month or so, just in case I have miraculously learned to be normal about drinking? The last time I could moderate successfully was around 18 years ago and even before that, I always wanted more ...even if I didn't actually have any?

I have a past pattern of certainly obsessive behaviour, some times it has helped me (work, exams, getting stuff done) but other times no not so good. Also I have a history of over compensating for feeling rubbish and fake by doing "more" in my work, my hobbies, my business, my everyday life Basically I was trying to hide and make up for how broken and worthless I felt.

I now realize I'm not rubbish or damaged or broken or worthless. I had bad things done to me by bad or damaged people. I'm strong and capable and brave and talented - look how much I have achieved, despite feeling so very worthless! That's not the life of a worthless person 😀

 All that time throwing wine over my brain to make myself feel less, all the addictive, obsessive stuff, trying to make me feel better and it didn't fucking work.

Sobriety makes me feel better. Not drinking alcohol, like not eating gluten or lactose, makes me feel better. Sober Treats when I am sad make me feel better (who would have guessed it ? 😀 ) Sober Treats when I am happy make me feel happier.

Listening to a Sober podcast from Belle makes me feel good. Reading  a sober blog makes me feel good. Not drinking for 100 days will mean that, even after paying for the sober jump start course, I will have enough money extra to tax and insure my car for a year (but car already paid for and I'm going to spend that money on Sober Treats for me! ) And it's worth every penny, and more.

This turned into a rant. I'm not sorry 😀