Day 12 - the awful A word

Alcoholic. It's a brutal word, isn't it?

My father was an alcoholic. He died in his 60's unable to talk or walk, all his organs failing, STILL asking for a drink of whisky even on his death bed. The drink which had destroyed his physical and mental health, his marriage, his relationship with me and the rest of his family and with any person he ever was close to, which had taken all his money and sucked him dry. He died alone and lonely.

He was a "functioning" alcoholic. For many years he managed to keep a very senior job and appear sort of normal to the outside world. Living with him was hell, though and I escaped as soon as I could. He threw me out at 17 ( for doing nothing wrong, just for being there when he was angry and drunk) I left and didn't return for many years.

With the example of my father as an awful warning, why on earth did I also become so dependent on alcohol? Why did I let myself get to the point where I drank so much?

Well, to be honest  I didn't actually think of a genetic aspect to drinking at the time, also I didn't actually realize I had a problem at all until a few years ago.

I grew up with a father who drank whenever he was sad, happy, angry, ill - his default position was to turn to alcohol when he experienced ANY strong emotion. So I grew up with a role model who never showed me any acceptable method of self soothing. Dad didn't go for a run or have a bath or talk when he was stressed or upset; he drank and smoked and was abusive, mainly to my Mum and after she died, mainly to me.

As a result of all this and other shit stuff I had demons of my own a plenty, and so when I felt sad or mad or lonely or upset -  I used the coping tools I had learnt from Dad - I drank. An abuse survivor, I self medicated with alcohol to mask the rage and despair and deep seated unhappiness I carried within me, always.

I don't actually think Alcoholic is a useful word anyway- We have a stereotypical mental image of an alcoholic - *I* didn't sit on park benches all day, drinking from a bottle in a brown paper bag - I went to work, I did my job, I didn't have any convictions or DUI or fights or injuries ( well not major ones, anyway!) I still had my family and my house - so I must have not have been an alcoholic, must I?

Well, no, actually if drinking becomes a problem to you, then you have a drinking problem. Call it what you like, you have a problem. If how much you drink bothers you (even if it is very little!) and you find it hard to stop; if you find yourself thinking about drinking even when you are not drinking, then you have a drink problem.

I still don't think the word Alcoholic is very helpful, though - if you are NOT a stereotypical shambling smelly wreck, you will think you don't have a problem.

I was a high flying, well educated, clean, tidy, well dressed sometime drunk. I was still a drunk, though.

And now, I'm not.

Day 11 - busy day and a sober social outing

Woke up feeling very tired but I did have a solid 6 hours sleep despite not being able to actually fall asleep until 2 am. But a solid and refreshing 6 hours, where I did not wake up! Wonderful!

Today I had a lot of work to get through which I managed in good time. I felt irritated with a few people who were not pulling their weight, but I hope I hid it well. Everything got done and finished in time, anyway!

Later I had the first sober social event I have attended since giving up alcohol. From reading and various on line courses I have done I know that it is good to have advance plans for control or escape in place when attending a social event where there might be alcohol. So, I took an AF beer and some Fevertree tonic water with me so I knew I could have a drink of something AF. I also drove, so I could escape if I needed to.

I had a great time! I honestly did not crave a drink at all and was very happy with the evening.

First solo sober event done and dusted :)

Day 10 - feeling good

Today I woke up and I felt good :) Tired, but good. I feel optimistic and am planning ahead rather than just existing to get through another day.

I am trying to embrace my new sober life and feel good about it rather than deprived of drinking.  A lot of what I am doing is retraining my brain to accept new patterns of thought.

Planning my sober treat to mark 2 weeks sobriety.

Sober treats? Prawn cocktail for lunch, a new note book ( I have filled up the one I started new on Day 1!) a magazine with an expensive aromatherapy hand cream free inside :)

Day 9 - back to work

A slightly better night sleep last night and awake at 7 am. Did some sober reading and listened to various sober podcasts. I find doing this sets me up for the day, to be sober all day.

My skin looks so much better, clearer and more even. I feel calm, mentally sharper and a lot less anxious.

I am finding my days are much more productive now - I am back at work and coming up to a very busy phase with lots of workshops and seminars to run - I can't avoid doing these ( nor do I want to as I love my work)   but I do wish I had a bit less scheduled! I need to avoid overwhelm as much as I can.

Now finished the daily lessons from Belle and have moved onto a sober podcast each day accompanied by "homework" - today I had to see if I could let some one help me with something - a simple request but one I find very hard to do! Someone offered to carry my bags today and I accepted with thanks and a smile.

Sober treats today some new Rose shower gel and a sit by a river listening to a robin sing.

Day 8. Week 2 of the rest of my life

Took myself off to bedroom early evening before dinner for a think, a listen to Belle again and to have a think about why I lapsed the last few times, on the basis that if I can spot the signs I can avoid it happening again. I really do find listening to Belle helps enormously - her wise words and calming voice ( along with the swearing ;) ) really do resonate with me. 

I get a  pre lapse phase before I actually lapse. For me its around ten days before the actual lapse itself, where I start to drift away from doing my sober homework, stop listening to sober podcasts, stop reading the blogs, also my self esteem begins to plummet, I stay up late and don't get enough sleep, my self care drops off and I retreat from contact with other people. I become (in my mind) less likable to be with, and I dislike myself more and more. As my self esteem drops lower and lower I dislike myself more and more and I feel I don't deserve to be better - I deserve to be a drunken, slobby wreck, because that is how I  feel inside - broken, damaged.

In short all my sober self care goes out the window. And then I drink, to blot out how horrible I feel about myself.

Not this time. Lots of sober treats, self care, self love and making sure I look after myself. After all, if I don't look after me, why should anyone else? I am finally "getting it" I think - sober treats are a way for me to feel better about myself. Its NOT about the treats themselves its about caring enough about myself to treat myself kindly.

Day 7 and watching for overwhelm

I need to watch out for overwhelm. I have been very busy recently, was away at a conference yesterday which involved a very long drive there and back and I have lots to do this week

When I get tired and feel overwhelmed I want to drink wine. In the past I have either lapsed due to this or it has started off a bout of pre lapse behaviour which lead on to a lapse.

So. I had a lie in today, rather than going to my chosen sport all morning. I can do my sport when I am further into my sobriety.

While in bed doing my sober homework and writing stuff down in my journal I had a big think and realized that I am quite a secretive person. I don't like talking about myself to others and it is always on my terms when I "open up" to people. They think they are getting to know the "real me" but actually, they are not.

A lot of that I think stems from the guilt and shame I (misguidedly) felt about what had been done to me as a child (sexual and emotional abuse). I also felt I couldn't talk to anyone about it once I was an adult.

All of this is so wrong, of course, I know that now, but the habit of secrecy remains. And of course as a drinker we sometimes do very odd, secretive  stuff to hide the extent of our drinking - well I know I did (hiding extra bottles in the wardrobe, sneaking empties into supermarket recycling bins, anyone?)

Still, despite the pondering it was a good day, I got lots of stuff done around the house and garden, went for a swim later and I did not drink :)

Sober treats?  Lovely new perfume, a sauna at the gym and a lovely swim :)

Being sober makes everything else possible. Being drunk makes everything impossible.

Day 6 and dealing with discomfort.

Part of my whole "didn't learn to deal with emotions correctly" as a child manifests itself as discomfort dodging. I think I do  a lot of discomfort dodging! Sometimes this manifests as getting on with stuff so as not to be late or behind a task, which is helpful, but in the evening if I felt uncomfortable I would start to drink.

This is one reason why I have lapsed quite often, usually around Day 6 or 7. I get a few days sober going, then feel a twinge, the Wine Bitch calls and I get uncomfortable and then ...I drink.

Like anything involving new patterns of thinking or doing, I have to train myself out of unwise patterns of behaviour.

So, when I get the urge to drink because I feel discomfort, I have a choice.
I could drink (NO!)
I could avoid the situation I am in, I could control the situation or I could escape it.
Or ..I could sit out the discomfort, noting it " oh, that's not comfortable" but not acting on it one way or another.

I favour the latter choice. Headspace has taught me it is a powerful tool!

Today, I went away to a conference, had a lot of fun and I did not drink :) I was tempted in the garage on the way home to buy wine but I paid for the fuel,  then almost ran out of the place and got into my car and listened to  Belle One Minute Message 6 and Day 6 audio lesson and read a few sober blogs (see sidebar  > ) until the urge passed.

I CAN do this :)

Sober treats today. Chatting  to friends, a lovely lunch, a walk in a garden, time to myself