Leap day musings - Things I no longer put up with/ Good things

I don't let other people do or say shit stuff to me. "No" is a complete sentence.

I experience my feelings rather than just numbing them with alcohol.

I might act on my feelings but I do this in a positive manner, not going off on a rant or picking a fight or sulking.

I recognize chaotic situations and I get away from them asap.

I now know *I* am in charge of my happiness. no one else.

I now look and feel much less bloated.

My skin is smooth and unblemished.

My sleep is improving - still find it difficult to fall asleep but the quality is good.

I am much more productive and clear headed.

I am much more tolerant of other people's moods and dramas, but I won't deal with their shit. I now have the view - "not my circus, not my monkeys"

Fifty days of Sober treats

I have been rereading round sober blogs again, to celebrate my 50 days of sobriety :)

And I came across a post on Belle's blog about someone who was resisting the idea of sober treats as rewards.

This sounds exactly like the sort of thinking I used to do. When I kept trying, and failing, to stay sober.

Even though I had lots of other sober tools in my toolbox and used them, I didn’t think the sober treat idea was worth trying, actually tbh I rejected it out of hand at first (because I told myself I could buy stuff when I wanted etc)

 Also, in my mind was the thought that it was a crap idea and what kind of useless person needs treats to get them to stop drinking ffs? A broken one who wouldn’t succeed anyway, that’s who.

However, once I embraced the idea of sober treats I stayed sober, for long stretches of time.

It wasn’t the treats, as such, that made the big difference (lovely though they are!) it was changing my mindset to one of “I’m worth it, I deserve treats and self care and self love. And even if other people can stop drinking without sober treats, I can’t. This works for me so I’ll do it”

But even though I was using the whole reward/treat idea, I didn't really deep down believe I was worthy of treats. I still thought, in my heart of hearts, that I was damaged, and broken and not worthy of such things. So having them made me feel a fraud.

After several years of fabulous counselling, I finally (finally!) have begun to believe I AM worthy of treats and rewards and for nice things to happen. I do not deserve to have a shitty life, I did not deserve any of the bad things that were done to me by others and I do not deserve to feel dreadful all the time.

So Fuck You Wolfie, I’m on Day 50 now thanks to Belle, and Jackie, and Annie, and Kate and Holly and Lisa and all the books and other online support, oh and LOTS and LOTS of sober treats!

 So, there you have it - this sums up why this time around things are feeling different. Sober treats and lots of them - but it's not the actual treats it's the change in my mind set that I am worth treating. I am not broken, I am not damaged, I am worthy of love, both self love and love from those around me. And why would I want to poison myself, when I love myself?

I get lots of love from my DH, and my friends but I have always, deep down, felt unworthy of it (probably due to my damaged childhood and the abuse I endured as a teen and young adult)

Well, no longer. I am beginning to feel worthy of love and it starts with loving myself :)

Sleep glorious sleep! Day 40

I woke up early today, due to a wild and blustery day outside with Storm Ciara overhead. As I couldn't get back to sleep I used the extra morning time to do my sober homework, journalling, reading and to listen to some audio sessions from Belle and Jackie Elliott.

I worked out some new coping strategies for when Nosferatu (my personal "drink now" voice) starts to tell me how rubbish I am at stuff and how I am bound to fail to stay sober. 

Nosferatu has the voice of my Father, who delighted in telling me, from an early age, just how useless and stupid I was  (I'm not, by the way!)

The coping strategy I like best  involves rewarding myself with small sober treats each day, (which can be things I'd do anyway, just reframed as treats) so a nice herb tea or real coffee in the garden,  listening to the robin sing, books, dvd's or downloaded films or box sets, going swimming, having time to properly cleanse my face with lovely smelling stuff, a home manicure, a soak in a hot bath with candles, a cuddle from my husband, my cat sitting on me, a wander round a local church or castle,  a trip to the shops to browse and then a (cheapish) lunch out. 

I now know I have maladaptive coping strategies when bad stuff happens to or around me, learnt from my abusive father and the appalling treatment he showed to me.

But, I have learnt to experience emotions, sober. I have found other, better, more healthy ways of coping with life. I WON'T continue like I was!

When was the last time I ever woke up feeling regret I wasn't hungover? Never!

Did I mention waking up hangover free is marvelous?  Well, it is :)

A Dry January

Hurrah!

I feel so good. I really thought this last month would be very hard indeed, because of the sheer amount I'd been drinking in the last year or so, and I was fully prepared to feel really, really dreadful. 

I took care to taper off the alcohol over the last few days, so I didn't go to zero overnight. I took a big dose of B Vitamins every day, plus a multivitamin and mineral supplement. I also took Milk Thistle every day, to help my poor abused liver to recover. I think doing all this must have helped. 

The first few days I felt like I had the 'flu, but then I began to gradually feel so much better.

I honestly didn't have cravings, I think I'd become so fed up with how bad I felt both physically and mentally, that it was a relief to actually just stop constantly thinking about alcohol. 

I wasn't doing that any more, I wasn't drinking any more, and that was that. It took away the worry and the mental anguish and shame and guilt about how much to have, was there enough, had I replaced the bottle I'd drunk, alone, would there be enough until our next shopping trip (enough? There was NEVER enough, for me)

All gone. It is very peaceful inside my head. 

And the sleep! Omg, my sleep! I still don't have wonderful sleep, but it is so much better now.

Mentally, I feel less anxious and much calmer. Physically I've lost a few pounds and look less bloated, and my skin and nails are fabulous. 

 But the best thing is the peace I feel, inside. 

A great night's sleep last night

I woke up today after a really good sleep ( finally!) but still early. I gloried in my lack of a hangover! 

As I couldn't sleep again I used the time to do my sober homework reading and listen to some of today's audio lessons. I sat and read and listened, and wrote in my journal, sipping from a cup of herb tea, while the early morning thin winter sunshine streamed in through the open window and a few brave birds sang outside. 

I experienced no banging headache, no sour taste, no squinting because the light was too bright, no puffy face. Wonderful! 

When was the last time I ever woke up feeling regret I wasn't hungover? Never. 

Once I went beyond light social occasional drinking, (30 plus years ago!) I always regretted drinking next morning. Always.

Did I mention waking up hangover free is marvelous?  Well, it is :)

I am not broken

I am not broken. Things were done to me, bad things by bad people. That does not make me bad, It does not make me broken. It makes me strong. Strong because I survived. Strong because I am trying to change and improve and grow. Strong because I recognize bad things happened and I refuse to let them drag me down any more.

I drank to bury pain. To hide from my demons. To not have to think about bad stuff that had happened. To damp down my anxiety. All it actually did was make my existing situation many many times worse. Since stopping drinking my anxiety has reduced, I am calmer and sleep better without as many nightmares. I am more able to cope.

End of the first week

Well. Here we are again.

If anyone was reading this blog before , the lack of entries for the last year or so  probably told you the chances were  I wasn't happily getting on with a sober life, too busy to post.

No. It was because I had started drinking again, and was too ashamed to say. Which is really odd, as I don't know you (that's if anyone is even reading this!) so why I should feel Ive let you down is beyond me!

Anyway, I digress.

I continued with counselling, and that has helped a lot with dealing with some of the horrors of my past life, but the family stuff got worse, until finally I had to cut a family member off completely.

Other, difficult stuff at home added to the stress, and, possibly predictably, I started to drink again (and eat unwisely as well)

For many months  I drank moderately, and kidded myself I was "fixed"  Ha ha. "Look! See! I can drink like a normal person!" Yeah, right 🙄

But eventually I went right back to as bad as I'd ever been, consumption wise. I'd cycle round, stopping for a day, a few days, a week, then back to drinking as much as before.

You know the cycle:- Drink, Drunk, Repent, Repeat.

Sigh.

and then, in the last few months of 2019, I was drinking more than I'd ever done before. To a frightening level, always in the evening, never before 6pm, but which meant I was pretty permanently pissed  in the evening or hung over in a low level way the next day.

I hasten to add I work from home so there was never any question of driving anywhere under the influence, but it meant I just didn't drive very much in the last couple of months of 2019.

Thus socially isolating myself even further from friends and my (non alcohol based) social life of crafts events, meet ups, coffee and chat.

Which made me feel even more worthless, lonely, depressed and sad, so I drank even more to make myself feel better (aka numbing out all my feelings)

Of course, my tolerance was by then so high, most of the time I still functioned, despite drinking a lot at night. I did jobs, I cleaned, I gardened,  I functioned. Sort of.

It took a fairly frightening health scare in Dec, along with the increased tension in my marriage, to make me realise I had to stop drinking.

We've been married a very long time (think decades) and I knew things would go very wrong indeed if I didn't do something, as the arguments we've increasingly been having were (mostly) down to me picking fights over trivia or not really being present due to yet another hangover.

And then, that health scare... Let's just say getting chest pains over the Christmas break and being taken to hospital in a blue lighted ambulance is seriously frightening, not to mention the guilt I felt at the NHS staff dealing with me  because in my mind I was taking them away from what I felt was a more deserving patient, one who hadn't inflicted damage on themselves by drinking (I was convinced it was an alcohol related illness)

As it turns out, I'm OK, it was a very bad chest infection, not alcohol related (not directly, but of course my immune system is a bit rubbish due to the drinking)

But the scare I had, along with the relationship issues, with the mention of Divorce for the first time ever, after decades of marriage, the increasing ill health I've  had, the anxiety, the depression, the lack of getting stuff done due to being permanently hung over have all made me think.

And most of all, the self-loathing I felt every fucking time I broke yet another fucking promise to myself not to drink.

So. I thought about what to do. I tried to see my GP, but couldn't get an appointment until mid Jan. I tried calling the local drug and alcohol team, but their waiting list was very long. So I did some research and decided to do it myself, with lots of sober tools lined up.

I spent the last few days of 2019 tapering off alcohol, just in case I was physically addicted

And on NYE I had one glass of wine at 8pm with dinner, two units of alcohol, as my final part of tapering off.

And that was it.

I'm now 7 days sober and feeling good.

I'm using a whole host of online support, Club Soda MOB, The Sober School Getting Unstuck course, Jackie Elliott's 100 days to a Fabulous Sober Life, Annie Grace's The Alcohol Experiment, Belle's 100 day challenge and Head space and Calm for meditation.

I have bought all of these resources over the last four years, trying and succeeding with each one to stay sober, for sometimes 30, 50, 75 days was my best ever achievement of consecutive sober time. But each time, something happened, I drifted away from my sober support network and went back to drinking.

The reasons why I lapsed are something I've been examining closely and with the aid of my fabulous counsellor I've worked out at least some of the reasons why I did that. Same reasons and patterns of behaviour, every time!

I'm also going to an AA meeting today, and will try to get to at least one or two a week, but it's not so easy living where we do as there aren't many near us. I'll also try online meetings

My GP appt is in two weeks time.

So far I've honestly had no cravings and I'm pleased at how I feel. I'm under no illusions that  this is going to be a piece of cake (something I've eaten a lot of, in the last week!)

But it feels different this time.