A difficult day. Sept 2018

I had a councelling session yesterday, which was interesting and draining and thought provoking and a mixture of up and down emotions, so nothing unusual there!

I get on well with the councelor, they are very good, very empathetic and very skilled at getting me to look at difficult things from a new angle. They also pull me up when I start blaming myself.

I finally opened up about the extent to which I had been self medicating with alcohol in the past;  I had touched upon this to a certain degree in previous sessions but yesterday I was very honest about just how much and how often I had been drinking, and how difficult I found moderation.

My councelor agreed that it was a good idea to stop, at least for now, and to see how my mental and physical health improved. I slept very soundly last night  for 10 hours.

Day 3

Today has been a funny day, lots of family drama and a couple of crisis. Tbh I'm so tired of it all, but unfortunately I can't walk away!

Still sober, though.

DH and I watched the Adrian Chiles documentary on BBC last week, as a result we both decided no more alcohol in the house. DH is a "normie" and has no problem with alcohol at all; he can take it or leave it, and even he was perturbed by what he saw. So, the odd pint or glass of wine for him when out eating at the most. Me, the plan is to stick to soft drinks for at least 100 days, then see how I feel about doing another 100 days.

Day 2

Feeling good, woke feeling bright eyed and refreshed this morning, which is unusual for me even when sober.

Today I picked stuff from the garden and made some jam, and did some bills paying and decluttering. All huge steps forward given how hard I find it to get started on anything recently.

But now I'm very tired and I'm going to bed soon.

Having depression and anxiety and PTSD is exhausting. It's so so hard to get started on anything even if the motivation is there. And that's during long periods of sobriety. Everything feels like I'm wading through treacle to do it.

Starting over Sept 2018

Well, I've spent some of the last year or so sober. But, I've also spent a great deal of it  drinking, at night, to blot out the horrors. Oh yes.

So, I had a very long hard look at what I wanted out of my life. I realised I was yet again self medicating the depression and PTSD and anxiety with alcohol and it had to stop.

I'm still having counselling for the CSA and the trauma of my first marriage, I've finally been able to tell my counselor the extent of my intermittent alcohol intake. Which is ridiculous, considering I have shared stuff about the abuse that I've told no one else, ever, and it's all been pretty horrific stuff. But somehow, I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth about how much wine I was drinking? Baffling!

So since Mon this week I have steadily cut my alcohol unit intake by half each day, and today is Day 1, again.

I've revisited all the sober tools I used to successfully stop drinking in the past; I realise with the utter overwhelming engagement of the counselling and the family stuff I've had going on in the last 12 months I had neglected to keep up with these other supports, even though I know they make me feel better.

But it just felt like there were not enough hours in the day to do ALL the counselling excavating and journaling and homework and crying and upset AND support the family through the serious stuff AND do the alcohol related sober work as well.

I was wrong. The alcohol sober related work HAS to come first, for the rest to work successfully. I know that now.

So. Day 1 done and dusted. Hurrah!

An update, with some good news.

So, I lapsed, re started, lapsed, re started throughout the Summer. 10 days sober, then drank for a day, never much but still ...then 15 days sober,, then drank for  weekend. Drink, drunk, repent, repeat. We know how that goes.

Stress has been sky high and that's my trigger to lapse, not enough self care going on. It's hard to up self care and treats when you feel you don't deserve them. Not an excuse though.

But in August, after a really bad period where my thoughts turned darker and darker,  I finally sought help for what I now know is the effects of an extended period of abuse in my childhood, teens and early twenties, which has left me with complex PTSD.

I've had some councelling for the sexual aspects, and I'm on the waiting list for specialist PTSD help.

My mood is slowly improving, although my sleep is still very disturbed.

I'm back to blogging here although I have so much writing to do with my councelling it's hard to find time to do so. Maybe I'll put some of that work on here someday, but not, just yet as it's just too raw at the moment.

If you've been reading this, then thanks :)

Two weeks sobriety

This is the longest length of sobriety I've managed to put together since I first lapsed earlier this year :)

I feel so much happier. I've upped my levels of self care, I now reward myself multiple times daily for being sober (I've reframed a lot of things I do anyway, so they have become sober rewards ;) ) and it does seem to be making a difference. I am also taking some herbal anti anxiety medication, which is helping quite a not. Sleep is beginning to improve in quality if not quantity.

I still can't change the shit storm of stuff all around me (unless I abandon my home, family and work) but I can change the way I react to it.
Onwards and upwards!

A week of sobriety

Hurrah! A whole week of sobriety done!

I've had so many lapses recently, started Day 1, got to Day 2 or 3 or maybe even Day 4, then lapsed again.

The last few months have been really really horrible and I have been self medicating with wine. Not much. Not often. But still.

 I've been reverting back to my old patterns of behaviour and tbh it scared the shit out of me how easily I could have just slid into drinking a lot.

The desire was still there, even if I didn't act on it.

MUCH quieter in my head today :)