Day 65 and some helpful links

If any one is interested, these are the blogs I find really really helpful

Belle's blog
Lucy's blog
Lily's blog
Mummy was a secret drinker blog
Jackie Elliot's The Wine Bitch blog


Other sites I love

Club Soda
Sober Sassy Life
Tired of thinking about drinking
Veronica Valli

plus all the blogs over on the right of this post :)

I can recommend Headspace for calming the brain chatter and also Andrew Johnson stop drinking  for, well , not drinking. You can find these as apps for Android or Apple products.
I've done lots of big chunks of sobriety before, lapsed and got straight back on it again with help of online support, Belle, Lucy, Sober Sassy Life and lots of other sober blogs.

Thinking about Day 1

Now I am feeling physically, mentally and emotionally so much better I have been re examining my early days of sobriety this time around.

I'm amazed (and concerned) at how quickly I went back to wanting more than one glass once I lapsed, and also how Day 1 - 4 were just as horrible as all the other times, even though I "only" drank for an evening each time then went back on sobriety, and did not drink very much in comparison with past times.

And I had previously had long stints of sobriety! If nothing else my last lapse two months ago really finally showed me I cannot do moderation. I am not saying never ever again but for now I view alcohol as something best avoided for a good few years, at the very least.

Day 63 :)

Thinking about drinking?

I had a muse and this is what came out.

Why would I want to throw away all the great stuff I have learned and done in the last month or so, just in case I have miraculously learned to be normal about drinking? The last time I could moderate successfully was around 18 years ago and even before that, I always wanted more ...even if I didn't actually have any?

I have a past pattern of certainly obsessive behaviour, some times it has helped me (work, exams, getting stuff done) but other times no not so good. Also I have a history of over compensating for feeling rubbish and fake by doing "more" in my work, my hobbies, my business, my everyday life Basically I was trying to hide and make up for how broken and worthless I felt.

I now realize I'm not rubbish or damaged or broken or worthless. I had bad things done to me by bad or damaged people. I'm strong and capable and brave and talented - look how much I have achieved, despite feeling so very worthless! That's not the life of a worthless person 😀

 All that time throwing wine over my brain to make myself feel less, all the addictive, obsessive stuff, trying to make me feel better and it didn't fucking work.

Sobriety makes me feel better. Not drinking alcohol, like not eating gluten or lactose, makes me feel better. Sober Treats when I am sad make me feel better (who would have guessed it ? 😀 ) Sober Treats when I am happy make me feel happier.

Listening to a Sober podcast from Belle makes me feel good. Reading  a sober blog makes me feel good. Not drinking for 100 days will mean that, even after paying for the sober jump start course, I will have enough money extra to tax and insure my car for a year (but car already paid for and I'm going to spend that money on Sober Treats for me! ) And it's worth every penny, and more.

This turned into a rant. I'm not sorry 😀

Social life regained.

Socialising? I have done far MORE in the last three weeks than in the last probably six months :)

Some of that is being able to drive again (not drunk early evening, so can go out to stuff!) And a lot is just that my depression and self esteem are so much lifted I can be bothered to go out And I feel I actually am likable and worth it. I am not broken. Not broken people can go out and have  a good time.

I have had lots of outings to things as my sober treats . Gigs, literary talks, book club, craft club, yoga, history walks, conferences. I'm really enjoying my sober life. I want to build up a lot of memories of how good I feel so if I get any crap voices nagging me to drunk I have lots of great new patterns to remind me what a very bad idea it would be to spoil my sobriety.

Looking forward to the next month :)

One Month :)

Yes a whole month has  passed and it's all so very different from the last times I stopped drinking. I know now that in the past sober times I was just "not drinking", rather than having stopped drinking.

Even though I did it for a long time, I was still the same me, still with all the baggage and depression and self loathing and feeling broken and worthless, just without the alcohol as well.

This time, having worked over the last month (with help)  on how I feel and on changing how I  think about myself,  I actually feel so much happier already! Some of this builds on previous work I did when sober (but never quite believed was true) but mostly it's down to Belle. Her voice in my ear, her emails, reading her blog (all of it, in order ) and listening to sober podcasts.

It's not just about stopping drinking, in my opinion.  Although that's good!  But, unless we work on the underlying issues which made us want to drown our brains in alcohol and numb out our lives in the first place, there will be a much higher risk of lapsing back into drinking when something stressful happens.

We  have to replace the poor habit with a good one (bath, meditation, fizzy water and lemon juice, cuddle a cat, buy a book etc). We have to learn good coping mechanisms to replace the maladaptive ones.


I had a dreadful weekend just gone. Really very stressful and unpleasant. My reaction was to seek comfort in a bath, meditation, nice chocolate and a cuddle with my DH. It honestly did not occur to me to drink. I was in a shop and could have bought some wine, a thought which actually only occurred to me as I drove home and then only in a "oh, yes I could have" sort of way, not a craving way. Huge progress in reshaping my neural pathways. Early days but even so, it really is progress for me.


Day 31 and I have a new necklace as my sober treat for a month :) A feather to remind me I am now flying, free of alcohol 😀

What do I get from sobriety?

What do I get from sobriety?

No hangover. NO HANGOVER! That never, ever gets old :)

The feeling that I am NOT worthless, NOT broken and a valuable person in my own right.

Lifting of anxiety and depression.

The ability to get up early and get on with my jobs, tending to my chickens, growing veg, harvesting crops, preserving stuff.

The ability to get back to being the best I can be when I teach people, rather than being sub par a lot of the time

Basically, getting my whole life back.

Day 29

Signs of a lapse.

Looking back on what the warning signs for me are when I'm in the danger zone for a lapse as I need to be hyper vigilant and head one off.

I am sad to say I stop caring for myself so much when I am pre lapsing or actively drinking. I let the gaps between showers get a little longer, I wear slightly grubby clothes because I didn't bother to do a load of washing even though it needed doing,

I start to bite my nails again, I stop bothering so much with moisturizer or make up or any self grooming.  It is shit and no way to treat myself. I don't get to a smelly point but my self care definitely lapses.

Because I don't love myself very much and when I drink I really don't love myself. Which is strange, because the drinking is meant to make me feel better about myself (ha ha bloody ha)

But it never, ever did make me feel better. It always always made me feel worse.

Day 26 :)