All getting even worse here.
I feel myself wavering. Oblivion via wine would be a relief at the moment but I am resisting as I am telling myself I would then have all this shit going on AND a hangover. And have to do a Day 1, again.
Trouble is, the level of stress here is so very high and sober treats don't have much savour in this kind of atmosphere.
Still here, still Sober Sarah though.
15/12/2016
12/12/2016
Cravings and other thoughts
Really struggling here.
Have had cravings and thoughts about drinking since a day out on Sat. Spent a lot of time talking to a good friend about addictions generally and afterwards realized I found it triggery.
Still going through a very stressful time at home. Tonight had terrible craving for cider. None in house so no idea why! Did a lot of distracting myself and used several sober treats and eventually went for a long soak in the bath then gave myself a manicure and pedicure. Nothing like wet nail varnish and a face pack to immobilize me :)
Feel overwhelmed by work stuff as well, under current family circumstances I just feel there is too much work for me to cope with. But I have to work, I am the person responsible for everything so there is no choice.
Day 85 done (if I don't count the lapse, do I? Don't I?) but despite the number of days passed I have been re listening to the first week's worth of lessons from Belle as Wolfie is shouting very loudly in my head that drinking two bottles of wine would be a fantastic idea. Fuck you Wolfie I'm not going to listen!
I recognise (before anyone comments) that lapsing and drinking a few days ago has set all this off, again.
Feeling sad probably all the stress of all the ongoing shite and some PAWS thrown in. Tomorrow is another day, thank goodness.
Have had cravings and thoughts about drinking since a day out on Sat. Spent a lot of time talking to a good friend about addictions generally and afterwards realized I found it triggery.
Still going through a very stressful time at home. Tonight had terrible craving for cider. None in house so no idea why! Did a lot of distracting myself and used several sober treats and eventually went for a long soak in the bath then gave myself a manicure and pedicure. Nothing like wet nail varnish and a face pack to immobilize me :)
Feel overwhelmed by work stuff as well, under current family circumstances I just feel there is too much work for me to cope with. But I have to work, I am the person responsible for everything so there is no choice.
Day 85 done (if I don't count the lapse, do I? Don't I?) but despite the number of days passed I have been re listening to the first week's worth of lessons from Belle as Wolfie is shouting very loudly in my head that drinking two bottles of wine would be a fantastic idea. Fuck you Wolfie I'm not going to listen!
I recognise (before anyone comments) that lapsing and drinking a few days ago has set all this off, again.
Feeling sad probably all the stress of all the ongoing shite and some PAWS thrown in. Tomorrow is another day, thank goodness.
09/12/2016
Struggling, a little
Its been very busy and very hard here. I let my sober care slip and lapsed on Day 76. But I recognized the signs of pre lapse, pulled back and used some of my
new sober tools; got back into my self care routine; cut back a bit on late
night working and went to bed to watch tv and read even if I couldn't sleep.
So, Day 82 today with sober treats,
22/11/2016
Day 65 and some helpful links
If any one is interested, these are the blogs I find really really helpful
Belle's blog
Lucy's blog
Lily's blog
Mummy was a secret drinker blog
Jackie Elliot's The Wine Bitch blog
Other sites I love
Club Soda
Sober Sassy Life
Tired of thinking about drinking
Veronica Valli
plus all the blogs over on the right of this post :)
I can recommend Headspace for calming the brain chatter and also Andrew Johnson stop drinking for, well , not drinking. You can find these as apps for Android or Apple products.
I've done lots of big chunks of sobriety before, lapsed and got straight back on it again with help of online support, Belle, Lucy, Sober Sassy Life and lots of other sober blogs.
Belle's blog
Lucy's blog
Lily's blog
Mummy was a secret drinker blog
Jackie Elliot's The Wine Bitch blog
Other sites I love
Club Soda
Sober Sassy Life
Tired of thinking about drinking
Veronica Valli
plus all the blogs over on the right of this post :)
I can recommend Headspace for calming the brain chatter and also Andrew Johnson stop drinking for, well , not drinking. You can find these as apps for Android or Apple products.
I've done lots of big chunks of sobriety before, lapsed and got straight back on it again with help of online support, Belle, Lucy, Sober Sassy Life and lots of other sober blogs.
20/11/2016
Thinking about Day 1
Now I am feeling physically, mentally and emotionally so much better I have been re examining my early days of sobriety this time around.
I'm amazed (and concerned) at how quickly I went back to wanting more than one glass once I lapsed, and also how Day 1 - 4 were just as horrible as all the other times, even though I "only" drank for an evening each time then went back on sobriety, and did not drink very much in comparison with past times.
And I had previously had long stints of sobriety! If nothing else my last lapse two months ago really finally showed me I cannot do moderation. I am not saying never ever again but for now I view alcohol as something best avoided for a good few years, at the very least.
Day 63 :)
I'm amazed (and concerned) at how quickly I went back to wanting more than one glass once I lapsed, and also how Day 1 - 4 were just as horrible as all the other times, even though I "only" drank for an evening each time then went back on sobriety, and did not drink very much in comparison with past times.
And I had previously had long stints of sobriety! If nothing else my last lapse two months ago really finally showed me I cannot do moderation. I am not saying never ever again but for now I view alcohol as something best avoided for a good few years, at the very least.
Day 63 :)
29/10/2016
Thinking about drinking?
I had a muse and this is what came out.
Why would I want to throw away all the great stuff I have learned and done in the last month or so, just in case I have miraculously learned to be normal about drinking? The last time I could moderate successfully was around 18 years ago and even before that, I always wanted more ...even if I didn't actually have any?
I have a past pattern of certainly obsessive behaviour, some times it has helped me (work, exams, getting stuff done) but other times no not so good. Also I have a history of over compensating for feeling rubbish and fake by doing "more" in my work, my hobbies, my business, my everyday life Basically I was trying to hide and make up for how broken and worthless I felt.
I now realize I'm not rubbish or damaged or broken or worthless. I had bad things done to me by bad or damaged people. I'm strong and capable and brave and talented - look how much I have achieved, despite feeling so very worthless! That's not the life of a worthless person 😀
All that time throwing wine over my brain to make myself feel less, all the addictive, obsessive stuff, trying to make me feel better and it didn't fucking work.
Sobriety makes me feel better. Not drinking alcohol, like not eating gluten or lactose, makes me feel better. Sober Treats when I am sad make me feel better (who would have guessed it ? 😀 ) Sober Treats when I am happy make me feel happier.
Listening to a Sober podcast from Belle makes me feel good. Reading a sober blog makes me feel good. Not drinking for 100 days will mean that, even after paying for the sober jump start course, I will have enough money extra to tax and insure my car for a year (but car already paid for and I'm going to spend that money on Sober Treats for me! ) And it's worth every penny, and more.
This turned into a rant. I'm not sorry 😀
Why would I want to throw away all the great stuff I have learned and done in the last month or so, just in case I have miraculously learned to be normal about drinking? The last time I could moderate successfully was around 18 years ago and even before that, I always wanted more ...even if I didn't actually have any?
I have a past pattern of certainly obsessive behaviour, some times it has helped me (work, exams, getting stuff done) but other times no not so good. Also I have a history of over compensating for feeling rubbish and fake by doing "more" in my work, my hobbies, my business, my everyday life Basically I was trying to hide and make up for how broken and worthless I felt.
I now realize I'm not rubbish or damaged or broken or worthless. I had bad things done to me by bad or damaged people. I'm strong and capable and brave and talented - look how much I have achieved, despite feeling so very worthless! That's not the life of a worthless person 😀
All that time throwing wine over my brain to make myself feel less, all the addictive, obsessive stuff, trying to make me feel better and it didn't fucking work.
Sobriety makes me feel better. Not drinking alcohol, like not eating gluten or lactose, makes me feel better. Sober Treats when I am sad make me feel better (who would have guessed it ? 😀 ) Sober Treats when I am happy make me feel happier.
Listening to a Sober podcast from Belle makes me feel good. Reading a sober blog makes me feel good. Not drinking for 100 days will mean that, even after paying for the sober jump start course, I will have enough money extra to tax and insure my car for a year (but car already paid for and I'm going to spend that money on Sober Treats for me! ) And it's worth every penny, and more.
This turned into a rant. I'm not sorry 😀
20/10/2016
Social life regained.
Socialising? I have done far MORE in the last three weeks than in the last probably six months :)
Some of that is being able to drive again (not drunk early evening, so can go out to stuff!) And a lot is just that my depression and self esteem are so much lifted I can be bothered to go out And I feel I actually am likable and worth it. I am not broken. Not broken people can go out and have a good time.
I have had lots of outings to things as my sober treats . Gigs, literary talks, book club, craft club, yoga, history walks, conferences. I'm really enjoying my sober life. I want to build up a lot of memories of how good I feel so if I get any crap voices nagging me to drunk I have lots of great new patterns to remind me what a very bad idea it would be to spoil my sobriety.
Looking forward to the next month :)
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