De - cluttering and clearing out

Spent some time  over the weekend  de cluttering and putting stuff ready for charity shop/recycling.

Guess what I found hidden in a wardrobe at the back?

 An alcometer. I actually bought a  digital alcometer at some point in the distant (drinking) past.  I remember, once I found it, that I got it when the rules changed and you had to have one in the car to drive in the EU? And the price of each of the disposable ones was high and when I saw this digital one on offer  it seemed like a good idea to get a re usable one ...

Wtaf? What was I thinking? Did it never occur to me that the best and only way to ensure I was not DUI of alcohol at any point, was to NOT FUCKING DRINK THE NIGHT  BEFORE! And to just have one disposable alcometer in the car to comply with EU law?

What kind of addict, Wolfie brained thinking, was this?
Actually don't answer that. Because I know exactly what kind of thinking it was.

Even now ( even now, after 3 months  sobriety and a couple of years of mostly being sober) when I found it and thought  "just shouldn't have drunk the night before" that voice (Wolfie, Belle calls it)  popped up and whispered "shouldn't have drunk TOO MUCH the night before, but, you know, you could always have just had a few and then stopped"

Well fuck you Wolfie no I could not, as that is  how I got into this mess in the first place!

I have no idea when I bought this gadget, must have been several years ago as that was when I went abroad with the car. Don't think I ever even used it apart from to check it worked.  And when I tried to think about it yesterday, Wolfie snuck in again with " well shows how responsible you were that you thought about the consequences and did something about it to avoid driving if you were still under the influence"

Fuck you again Wolfie! No! It shows how messed in the head I was, that I would ever even contemplate that it was a good idea to drink so much the night before that I had to check if I was sober enough to drive the next day. 

(N.B I have never actually driven under the influence, if anything I was always over cautious about not driving until there was no possibility of being over the legal limit to drive - to the detriment of my ability to go places, sometimes.) 

I am shocked at finding this gadget and at my (now) obvious addict thinking. Truly shocked. I have done a few things I'm not proud while drinking, but I think this is really my rock bottom moment.

However, it's good that I feel so shocked at myself and immediately recognize, now,  how wrong thinking I was,  then. So well done me :)

Despite this shock am glad to report I didn't find any other nasty surprises - no empties or half full bottles of wine stashed away. Thank God!

De cluttering is good. A metaphor for what I am doing right now with my emotions and thoughts!

A sober New Year Eve :)

Well that was interesting :)

A sober NYE, for the first time in many years :)

We don't go in for parties or stuff here anyway - used to in our youth but have not done so for many many years. However, NYE would always been "seen in" by at least one bottle of wine, possibly more.

This year, DH had a can of beer and later a small whisky - I had fizzy water and then a glass of AF sparkling white wine (Sainsbuys - it was very nice!)

We spent a lot of the evening talking, and I mean really talking, about the problems we have been having as a couple, as well as the other things we are currently having to deal with (which are of course making our relationship issues much worse due to the stress). It was really helpful to talk about our hopes and fears and worries in an honest and calm manner. There were smiles and tears and a lot of shared memories.

We both concluded we still love each other, still value our relationship and want to make it work, which is a relief!

Maybe we need some counselling, maybe we just need to sort out the external problems - but at least we are talking again and not just getting upset and angry with each other. And both of us are agreed that we will jointly and separately seek some counselling if things don't improve within a few weeks.

Best start to 2017 I could have hoped for :) Sober and still married :)

Wavering

All getting even worse here.

I feel myself wavering. Oblivion via wine would be a  relief at the moment but I am resisting as I am telling myself I would then have all this shit going on AND a hangover. And have to do a Day 1, again.

Trouble is, the level of stress here is so very high and sober treats don't have much savour in this kind of atmosphere.

Still here, still Sober Sarah though.

Cravings and other thoughts

Really struggling here.

Have had cravings and thoughts about drinking since a day out on Sat. Spent a lot of time talking to a good friend about addictions generally and afterwards realized I found it triggery.

Still going through a very stressful time at home. Tonight had terrible craving for cider. None in house so no idea why! Did a lot of distracting myself and used several sober treats and eventually went for a long soak in  the bath then gave myself a manicure and pedicure. Nothing like wet nail varnish and a face pack to immobilize me :)

Feel overwhelmed by work stuff as well, under current family circumstances I just feel there is too much work for me to cope with. But I have to work, I am the person responsible for everything so there is no choice.

Day 85 done (if I don't count the lapse, do I? Don't I?) but despite the number of days  passed I have been re listening to the first week's worth of lessons from Belle as Wolfie is shouting very loudly in my head that drinking two bottles of wine would be a fantastic idea. Fuck you Wolfie I'm not going to listen!

I recognise (before anyone comments) that lapsing and drinking a few days ago has set all this off, again.

Feeling sad probably all the stress of all the ongoing shite and some PAWS thrown in. Tomorrow is another day, thank goodness.

Struggling, a little

Its been very busy and very hard here. I let my sober care slip and lapsed on Day 76. But I recognized the signs of pre lapse, pulled back and used some of my new sober tools; got back into my self care routine; cut back a bit  on late night working and went to bed to watch tv and read even if I couldn't sleep. 

So,   Day 82 today with sober treats, 

Day 65 and some helpful links

If any one is interested, these are the blogs I find really really helpful

Belle's blog
Lucy's blog
Lily's blog
Mummy was a secret drinker blog
Jackie Elliot's The Wine Bitch blog


Other sites I love

Club Soda
Sober Sassy Life
Tired of thinking about drinking
Veronica Valli

plus all the blogs over on the right of this post :)

I can recommend Headspace for calming the brain chatter and also Andrew Johnson stop drinking  for, well , not drinking. You can find these as apps for Android or Apple products.
I've done lots of big chunks of sobriety before, lapsed and got straight back on it again with help of online support, Belle, Lucy, Sober Sassy Life and lots of other sober blogs.

Thinking about Day 1

Now I am feeling physically, mentally and emotionally so much better I have been re examining my early days of sobriety this time around.

I'm amazed (and concerned) at how quickly I went back to wanting more than one glass once I lapsed, and also how Day 1 - 4 were just as horrible as all the other times, even though I "only" drank for an evening each time then went back on sobriety, and did not drink very much in comparison with past times.

And I had previously had long stints of sobriety! If nothing else my last lapse two months ago really finally showed me I cannot do moderation. I am not saying never ever again but for now I view alcohol as something best avoided for a good few years, at the very least.

Day 63 :)