An update, with some good news.

So, I lapsed, re started, lapsed, re started throughout the Summer. 10 days sober, then drank for a day, never much but still ...then 15 days sober,, then drank for  weekend. Drink, drunk, repent, repeat. We know how that goes.

Stress has been sky high and that's my trigger to lapse, not enough self care going on. It's hard to up self care and treats when you feel you don't deserve them. Not an excuse though.

But in August, after a really bad period where my thoughts turned darker and darker,  I finally sought help for what I now know is the effects of an extended period of abuse in my childhood, teens and early twenties, which has left me with complex PTSD.

I've had some councelling for the sexual aspects, and I'm on the waiting list for specialist PTSD help.

My mood is slowly improving, although my sleep is still very disturbed.

I'm back to blogging here although I have so much writing to do with my councelling it's hard to find time to do so. Maybe I'll put some of that work on here someday, but not, just yet as it's just too raw at the moment.

If you've been reading this, then thanks :)

Two weeks sobriety

This is the longest length of sobriety I've managed to put together since I first lapsed earlier this year :)

I feel so much happier. I've upped my levels of self care, I now reward myself multiple times daily for being sober (I've reframed a lot of things I do anyway, so they have become sober rewards ;) ) and it does seem to be making a difference. I am also taking some herbal anti anxiety medication, which is helping quite a not. Sleep is beginning to improve in quality if not quantity.

I still can't change the shit storm of stuff all around me (unless I abandon my home, family and work) but I can change the way I react to it.
Onwards and upwards!

A week of sobriety

Hurrah! A whole week of sobriety done!

I've had so many lapses recently, started Day 1, got to Day 2 or 3 or maybe even Day 4, then lapsed again.

The last few months have been really really horrible and I have been self medicating with wine. Not much. Not often. But still.

 I've been reverting back to my old patterns of behaviour and tbh it scared the shit out of me how easily I could have just slid into drinking a lot.

The desire was still there, even if I didn't act on it.

MUCH quieter in my head today :)

Starting over

Its been a mixed and somewhat disappointing month since I last posted.

As you've probably already guessed I've not been sober. Not drunk,  but not sober.

I've "only" had a glass or two, rather than a bottle, which is progress of a sort, but I keep getting to Day 3 or 5 then thinking "fuck it " and having one drink.

I don't want to even drink that little. It makes me feel ill and sad. I don't want to feel like that any more.

So. Reflecting on how I can add to my sober tools and what I can do differently this time.

The problem with sugar

Sugar is really bad stuff. As are processed carbs, which turn to sugar in the body.
All carbs do but at least with brown rice/veggies you are getting lots of other good stuff – not so sugar or white flour etc.

I had terrible candida overgrowth for many many years and some serious physical symptoms as a result, and once I cracked that I found my craving for alcohol actually subsided a lot.

One of the reasons I lapsed last week (I suspect) was that I had fallen off the low carb way of eating I had been doing for several years (with a lot of weight loss as a result) I was away a lot and under a lot of stress and had to eat food prepared for me to a large extent. So I ended up eating a lot of cakes, biscuits and processed carbs. The Candida symptoms came back (not nice!) and then when faced with alcohol I just drank it. And not even alcohol of a “nice” sort but sweet and sickly and not what I would normally go for.

So, I'm back on the low carb way of eating as I know it nourishes me and makes me feel better in myself.

I know the advice is that any kind of diet or exercise plan is not a good idea in early sobriety, but I do feel there is a difference between getting back to sobriety after a lapse for an evening now and then, when over  150 plus days in total are under my belt, and trying to diet AND give up alcohol for the first time.

And one of the things I had let slip ( along with the low carb way of eating!) was self care. I had stopped looking after me. And I now recognise I HAVE to look after me and build up my self esteem in order to stay sober and happy, and as well as sober treats  that includes keeping my insulin levels nice and stable by not eating a load of carbs.

Lapsed, sad.

Well, I knew I was in pre lapse, I saw the warning signs, I did something about them but not enough, as yesterday I had a drink :)

I've taken time out today to rest and read and listen to Belle sober podcasts and read some of your blogs. I have been overwhelmed with work and stuff this week and felt fear of under delivery at work.

 I've called a halt to this and said I can't now deliver stuff  next week, it will have to be next month. Client not happy but accepting.

I'm still not well, my back and hip are not going to get better and its chronic and not going to improve. I'm so stressed with all the stuff in my life which is hard to change, so why on earth do I continue to add to the huge pile of ongoing stress by adding alcohol to all my other problems?

Feel very despondent that I had a couple of ginger beers yesterday. The first one was unknowing and unintentional, but I chose to drink the second one.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day, hopefully a sober one as well.

I do feel I have let everyone down.

Thinking.

I've been able to have a good hard think today as I'm mostly on the sofa or in bed due to a bad hip.

I've realised quite a few things, mainly that I'm finding it very hard to continue to be sober because I don't feel any better, sober.

I've tried moderation, recently, and managed to stop after a couple of glasses of wine, like normal people do.

But given all the shit storm of stress I live  with daily I'm not really surprised I don't actually feel a lot better, sober or moderating. 

I have lost the hangovers though!

And I've realized I've dropped my treats. I've stopped being kind to myself and I really do need to make time and space to be kind to me. Every single day.

So back on the treats. I'm eating a not quite defrosted brownie. Did you know being still slightly frozen adds an extra deliciousness to them? Chewy and sort of ice creamy?

Yum. My treat for a day sober, today, with a big pot of three mint tea.