Starting over

Its been a mixed and somewhat disappointing month since I last posted.

As you've probably already guessed I've not been sober. Not drunk,  but not sober.

I've "only" had a glass or two, rather than a bottle, which is progress of a sort, but I keep getting to Day 3 or 5 then thinking "fuck it " and having one drink.

I don't want to even drink that little. It makes me feel ill and sad. I don't want to feel like that any more.

So. Reflecting on how I can add to my sober tools and what I can do differently this time.

The problem with sugar

Sugar is really bad stuff. As are processed carbs, which turn to sugar in the body.
All carbs do but at least with brown rice/veggies you are getting lots of other good stuff – not so sugar or white flour etc.

I had terrible candida overgrowth for many many years and some serious physical symptoms as a result, and once I cracked that I found my craving for alcohol actually subsided a lot.

One of the reasons I lapsed last week (I suspect) was that I had fallen off the low carb way of eating I had been doing for several years (with a lot of weight loss as a result) I was away a lot and under a lot of stress and had to eat food prepared for me to a large extent. So I ended up eating a lot of cakes, biscuits and processed carbs. The Candida symptoms came back (not nice!) and then when faced with alcohol I just drank it. And not even alcohol of a “nice” sort but sweet and sickly and not what I would normally go for.

So, I'm back on the low carb way of eating as I know it nourishes me and makes me feel better in myself.

I know the advice is that any kind of diet or exercise plan is not a good idea in early sobriety, but I do feel there is a difference between getting back to sobriety after a lapse for an evening now and then, when over  150 plus days in total are under my belt, and trying to diet AND give up alcohol for the first time.

And one of the things I had let slip ( along with the low carb way of eating!) was self care. I had stopped looking after me. And I now recognise I HAVE to look after me and build up my self esteem in order to stay sober and happy, and as well as sober treats  that includes keeping my insulin levels nice and stable by not eating a load of carbs.

Lapsed, sad.

Well, I knew I was in pre lapse, I saw the warning signs, I did something about them but not enough, as yesterday I had a drink :)

I've taken time out today to rest and read and listen to Belle sober podcasts and read some of your blogs. I have been overwhelmed with work and stuff this week and felt fear of under delivery at work.

 I've called a halt to this and said I can't now deliver stuff  next week, it will have to be next month. Client not happy but accepting.

I'm still not well, my back and hip are not going to get better and its chronic and not going to improve. I'm so stressed with all the stuff in my life which is hard to change, so why on earth do I continue to add to the huge pile of ongoing stress by adding alcohol to all my other problems?

Feel very despondent that I had a couple of ginger beers yesterday. The first one was unknowing and unintentional, but I chose to drink the second one.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day, hopefully a sober one as well.

I do feel I have let everyone down.

Thinking.

I've been able to have a good hard think today as I'm mostly on the sofa or in bed due to a bad hip.

I've realised quite a few things, mainly that I'm finding it very hard to continue to be sober because I don't feel any better, sober.

I've tried moderation, recently, and managed to stop after a couple of glasses of wine, like normal people do.

But given all the shit storm of stress I live  with daily I'm not really surprised I don't actually feel a lot better, sober or moderating. 

I have lost the hangovers though!

And I've realized I've dropped my treats. I've stopped being kind to myself and I really do need to make time and space to be kind to me. Every single day.

So back on the treats. I'm eating a not quite defrosted brownie. Did you know being still slightly frozen adds an extra deliciousness to them? Chewy and sort of ice creamy?

Yum. My treat for a day sober, today, with a big pot of three mint tea.  

Drifting from my sober supports

I'm worried I'm starting to drift away from the mindset of being sober. I've had a few drinks when we have been out with friends eating a meal, which I enjoyed.

I haven't gone back to drinking at home, but was very close to buying wine last night.

 I've started re listening to sober podcasts and mentally reset my attitude this morning. I am so glad I didn't buy the wine but after so many days, virtually all of them sober, I had hoped I wouldn't need to be so vigilant, still? I am aware I've dropped the sober self care a lot and my life is still really shitty so really I should be doing more of it not less. Life stuff  is seriously affecting my sleep also.

So. Retreated to sofa with good food cats and TV after lunch. Husband next to me. Daughter home on half day and eating a good food lunch and being friendly.

I seem to be a slow learner about avoiding overwhelm, but I'm getting there.

Tough times

I can't pretend its been easy the last few weeks. Lots of horrible horrible stress which has nothing to do with alcohol and lots to do with a family issue which is not going to get a lot better, until it gets a lot worse :(

BUT it is NOT the sort of issue where me drinking will make it better.
So I have not.

Today I saw a comment on a Mumsnet  thread which asked about going to AA. The reply was

I have been to precisely 3 AA meetings, ever, and all in the first week. They just didn't "chime" with me.  Just do whatever helps YOU stay sober! If a tool doesn't work, add a different one and USE IT not just look at it. Lots of sober treats for getting through an hour, a day, a week. Reward yourself for doing a really hard thing FOR PEOPLE LIKE US. Podcasts, books, running, sleeping, cake, talking,. Whatever it takes.

Just because others can just not drink does not mean we can. We find it hard. We think about not drinking. We try to "moderate" It's hard. I have found the best thing is to just Not Drink. 

And that, I think, sums it all up.

Progress

I'm feeling a little fragile today.  Discovering that alcometer left me a little shaken. As it triggered a bout of examining lots of past stuff which I found a bit distressing.

Not done to beat myself up and all ultimately good to go through, but today I feel a bit raw.

So, what to do?

My previous self would have had some wine to numb the pain.

The newer version of me, the more sober one, the healthier one, has recognised I'm feeling, how I'm feeling. I've let myself experience being sad for a bit, then I went for a walk, I did some meditation,  had a nap for half an hour,  I read a book for a bit, I had a cup of tea and I cuddled one of the cats.

Later I'm going to have a bath with lots of essential oils and when I get out I'm going to smother myself in body lotion and then go to bed and read and listen to pod casts from the sober world.

Progress. This is healthy progress :)